For your reading pleasure, a new Kyle update: KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 5!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)
Kyle, usually reliant on his mighty brawn and unstoppable charisma, was forced to use his brain for once. Often and easily confused by the simplest of tasks, he mustered all of his concentration in the hopes of gaining one, genius idea. Falling deeper and deeper through the Great Red Wood Shark’s esophagus, tumbling further and further toward death by stomach acid, plummeting more and more in a downward fashion…Kyle realized that this thing was huge. He had all the time in the world to come up with a plan.
Kyle seized this opportunity to perform those small tasks he constantly found himself putting off: He balanced his checkbook, he called his mother, and he flossed. His checkbook was precarious until he found 3 receipts accounting for a mysterious debt of a collective $5.50. His mother was concerned that he’d been seemingly overexerting himself since he only has time to call her once every other month, but placated when he promised to follow-through on a more consistent basis. His gums were sore from such infrequent flossing, but he was happy to know that his teeth were now free of plaque. All was right in the world....
Oh, snap! All was NOT right! Kyle was reaching the end of the esophagus and he never came up with that brilliant plan! Oh, cruel fate! Oh, brutal reality! Oh, unforgiving gravity! Kyle knew that his moments were numbered. If only he had concentrated more on the task at hand! If only he had paid better attention in physics class while in high school! If only he had arranged his living will! If only he could somehow fly upward instead of falling downwa—wait a minute.
Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and rode to toward freedom. Bursting from the Great Red Wood Shark’s still-laughing jaws, he rounded on the beast and began his angry tirade:
“Okay, so, it’s physically impossible for me to devour your soul. Firstly, given our differences in size and your recent attempt to devour my physical being, it would be much more likely for you to be successful in devouring mine if 1.) there is such a thing as a soul and 2.) it is somehow attached to our bodies. Secondly, and as I mentioned previously, there has yet to be irrefutable proof that souls physically exist. Most cultures are willing to generally accept that souls are a conceptual rather than physical entity. Unless I can somehow come up with a way to devour a concept—which if I did, I may start with such concepts as love or yoga before moving onto a concept with such moral considerations and ramifications as pertains to a soul—I think I’m at a loss. All this being said,” Kyle said as he struck a match. “I am perfectly comfortable with lighting you on fire, instead.”
He flicked the match at the Great Red Wood Shark and basked in the warmth of the flames as it quickly enveloped its body.
The flames reminded Kyle of how he and Tabitha use to make love by the fireplace after a long night of slaughtering and other ninja-related activities. He began to tear up, and quickly remembered his objective. He must find Tabitha so he can put an end to King Zombie’s tyranny, as well as his heart ache. He continued on his way through
Kyle marched on for hours…and for hours…”Jesus Christ! How big is this bloody swamp?!” Only then did he realize that he had a hover zebra. “Damn it! Why do I always forget I have this damn thing?” Kyle pulled it out but there was no need for it now. He had reached Lord Hydranus’s lair…and boy; it was the cutest cottage you had ever seen. It had little flamingos and lawn gnomes everywhere…so I guess it was more tacky than cute, but nevertheless, Kyle ventured forward.
He kicked in the door to the cottage, and there, at a little table, was Lord Hydranus who was just sitting down for some tea. “IIIIIIIIIIIII haaaaaaaaave beeeeeeeeeeeen waaaaaaaiting foooooooor yooooooooooooou,” hissed Hydranus.
Hydranus reached toward a shelf and produced a mysterious box. “I hope you like…chamomile!” He opened the box to reveal loose tea leaves.
“Oh, I, uh, well…yeah,” stuttered Kyle. He sat opposite of Hydranus, who was shoveling sugar in two tea cups.
“How wasssssssss your trip,” he asked, now pouring the tea into the fine china.
“Um…eventful. Ran into a pack of wood sharks. They fused together to make a Great Red Wood Shark.”
“Thossssse can be nasssssssty.”
“Yeah, they mauled my platysaurus.”
“That’sss a shame.”
“Yeah....”
“Do you take milk?” Hydranus offered a pitcher decorated in a floral pattern.
“Oh, why, yes. Thank you.”
They sipped their tea in silence for a few moments.
“Sssso, you’re probably here about Tabitha, right?” Hydranus began.
“Yeah. She stepped into a portal with Xonox after I…well….”
“Pissssssed her off?”
“You could say that.”
“I jusssst did.”
“Touche. Anyway, some underling told me that she was probably on her way to see you?”
“Yesss, she did ssssstop by here. We have a binding contract, asssss I’m sure you’re aware. She musssssst follow through on that.”
“Did she say where she was going?”
“Yesss. She issss headed toward Piñata Isle on a reconnaissssssance mission for me. I ssssupposssse you could meet her there.”
“Oh, cool. Thanks. I guess I better get a move on, then.”
“Of coursssssse. But before you go, she asked me to give you THISSSS!” Hydranus leapt from his chair, tipping the table and its contents to the floor. He lunged at Kyle with a dagger gleaming in his hand.
Kyle aptly dodged the attack, but spilled his scathing tea on himself. He stumbled as he recoiled from the burns, falling to the floor. Hydranus stood over him and raised the bedazzled dagger.
“Prepare to get ssssssssssssssstabbed,” hissed Hydranus.
“My, what a lovely dagger! I’ve never seen such a spectacular bedazzling job.”
“Why, thank you,” said Hydranus. He looked at his dagger, glistening in the light of the fireplace and smiled. But then Kyle released a powerful kick to the WarLizard’s bean bag. Hydranus’s dreams and testicles were shattered in one swift attack.
“My tessssssssssssssssticlesss!” he cried as he slumped into a pile of defeat and sorrow. Kyle stood up and retrieved the dagger from the broken WarLizard.
“I was serious about your bedazzle job,” said Kyle as he looked over the dagger.
“I know,” said Hydranus as he closed his eyes for the last time and a single tear ran down his cheek.
Kyle stashed the dagger in his secret compartment, took one last look around, pocketed some of the chamomile tea leaves, and exited the cottage.
“Onward to Piñata Isle….”
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