Genre Squad: The Parental Unit

In an effort to compensate for our cop-out Kyle update a few weeks ago, have a bonus Genre Squad:


You're welcome.

Beatrice; week 7.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 4)!

Okay, I know we promised you a new Genre Squad...but we were blind-sided by work this week. We hope you accept this humble offering in its stead: Part IV of Kyle's adventure.

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 4!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle grabbed the nearest tree, ripped it from the ground, and swung at the charging WarLizards like a pro-baseball player whose blood was teeming with steroids and Gatorade. All but one of the WarLizards’ faces were brutally smashed in, puncturing their brains with bone, cartilage, and tree parts.

“HOO-RAH!” cried Kyle, flinging the tree behind him.

The platysauruses, no longer tamed by the WarLizard’s witchcraft, began to devour the bloody, unmoving remains of those who felt Kyle’s wrath. Kyle pinned the one, terrified survivor in a WWE-approved ankle hold.

“Start talking,” grunted Kyle.
“I’ll tell ya anything you want to know! Jussst don’t maul me, pleasssse!” whined the survivor.

“That’ll depend on your answer. Where’s Tabitha?”

“They probably went to go sssee Hydranussssss! They would want to follow through on the deal!”

“What deal,” said Kyle as he began to twist the WarLizard’s ankle in the wrong direction.

“Ow! Th-the deal that she m-made when she moved to Honey Hollow! When she r-resssigned from the Sssexy Ninja Brigade! S-she ssswore off fighting for truth, justice, and orphansss ssso t-that—-“ But before the WarLizard could finish, a plume of smoke began to emanate from his mouth. “Massster Hydranusssss! Noo!” he sputtered as smoke and acid spilled from his chops.

Kyle stood back and watched as the WarLizard choked on the acerbic liquid, struggling until his last breath. “Daaaaayuuuumn,” he said quietly, as he stood among the wreckage. His newfound power still coursed through his veins; his bones and sinewy muscles humming with every heartbeat. The rhythm of his cardiovascular palpitations set a pace for his racing thoughts: Not much closer to resolving the turn of puzzling events, he ruminated on what to do next. Kyle’s options were few: He could visit Paulo in hopes that he could convince him to go all clairvoyant at the cost of a few beers, he could go back to Latisha to try and get the official response to Tabitha’s resignation, he could go pick up another copy of “The Notebook” and ask Ryan Gosling, he could hunt down King Zombie at Piñata Isle—that dude MUST be involved somehow.... But Kyle knew what must be done: he must go find that discount witch doctor and demand a refund for his shitacular craftsmanship.

Kyle began to pace back and forth contemplating his next move in his mighty penguin brain. He checked his compartment and pulled out his wallet. He didn’t have enough money to treat Paulo to the Killian’s he desired, so that wasn’t an option. “The Notebook” pretty much causes all of Kyle’s bodily functions to shut down. “Damn you, Ryan Gosling.” he thought. It seemed like his only option was the witch doctor who cursed him. Kyle looked at the platysauruses mauling the remains of the WarLizards. He strolled up to one and grabbed it by the bill.

“You’re taking me where I need to go, right?!” he said to the platysaurus. All of the surrounding platysauruses lowered their heads and slinked away in fear. The platysaurus that was in Kyle’s mighty grasp nodded. And with a smirk, Kyle turned and punched a hole in time and space, creating a vortex that led to the Cuddle Swamp. Kyle hopped onto the back of the platysaurus and dashed into the vortex.

Cuddle Swamp was in the deepest and darkest part of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Only those who have been there can go there and only those who have left there can leave. Kyle and the platysaurus, whom he named Slippers while in the vortex, trudged through the swamp. An eerie and ominous fog wafted over the ground; Kyle sensed something wasn’t right. Slippers marched on through the swamp with an ever vigilant Kyle surveying the area. As they passed by trees, they began to move and rearrange themselves. Slippers stopped as the path they were following was closed off by the trees. They were surrounded, but by what—that was the mystery. The ground under Slippers and Kyle began to quake. Kyle looked down and saw a wooden fin crack the ground.

“Shit, a wood shark!” exclaimed Kyle. He dropped down to the ground and got into attack position. The ground beneath Slippers broke away and a giant wooden shark leapt from the earth and latched onto Slippers with its wooden jaws. Vines began to slither off of the wood shark’s body and started entangling Slippers. This wood shark had crossed the line and it was going down…

Kyle ripped Slippers free from the vines, and continued tearing an excessive amount from the wood shark’s body if only to cause it more pain. With Slippers presumably safe behind him, Kyle was unaware as 3 more fins pierced the soil and surrounded Slippers.

“Gwarp,” cried a panicked Slippers. “GWARP!”

“Not now, Slippers! I’m totally beating on this wood shark that tried to devour you! I’m too distracted by my rage!”

“Gwarp gwarp GWARP,” continued Slippers as he attempted to scale the trees behind him. But, being a platysaurus, the claws he did have were insufficient for tree climbing and he also lacked the opposable thumbs that would compensate for such a deficiency.

“Not NOW Slippers! I’m too busy RAGING!” Kyle continued to thrash the first wood shark into a pulpy mash. “Fuck you, wood shark! Fuck you for trying to attack my new best friend in the whole wide world, Slippers!”

The 3 wood sharks behind Kyle crested the earth and bared their sharp, splintered teeth at Slippers. Slippers could not even cry out as they pounced and dragged him below the dirt. He fought back as the mightiest platysaurus would, but he was no match for 3 of the world’s most fierce predators.

“There,” declared Kyle as he stood over the remains of the original wood shark. “Now what did you want to tell me, Sli—NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kyle turned around in time just to see Slippers go from living being to corpse as he was torn in twain. “BEST FRIEND SLIPPERS! SLIIIIIIIIIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!”

The 3 wood sharks rounded on Kyle. They were still hungry.

“You mother fucking, good for nothing, pieces of wooden shit!!!” exclaimed Kyle. He was filled with the rage of a God who stubbed his toe on the mightiest of mountains. These wooden bitches were going down. “I will devour your souls!” yelled Kyle.

One of the wood sharks leapt out of the ground at him, but fueled by rage and the loss of his new best friend, Kyle released a thunderous uppercut, splintering the wood shark into a million little bitch pieces which he totally plans on selling as toothpicks later. The other 2 wood sharks, surprisingly, were not fazed by what they just witnessed. A grin grew across both of their faces and they began to glow. As Kyle looked around, the little bitch pieces began to glow as well. Kyle took a step back. The glowing wood sharks suddenly began to fuse together with the bitch pieces like some sort of wooden Voltron bitch.

“Oh hell no!” said Kyle as he performed a divine jump kick at the forming monstrosity, but it was too late. The transformation was complete. The 3 wood sharks had become the rare, Great Red Wood Shark. Sap began to ooze from its mouth as it eyed Kyle. Its hunger was strong.

Kyle wiped the sweat from his brow and looked his new opponent up and down. “I love a challenge,” he said to himself under his breath. But as Kyle was preparing to attack, the Great Red Wood Shark plunged back into the earth and the ground filled itself in after it.

“W-T-F!” Kyle looked around, confused as to what just happened. As he surveyed the area, the ground began to quake. Kyle looked down and the Great Red Wood Shark burst through the ground beneath him, sending Kyle airborne.

“I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Kyle as he fell into the mouth of the Great Red Wood Shark….

(TO BE CONTINUED!)

Beatrice; week 6.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Happy Blogiversary!

Happy 1st Birthday, JeffandCeleste.blogspot.com!

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Be sure to tune in next week for the next installment of Beatrice!

Beatrice; week 5.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Beatrice Desktop?! Hooray!

We are happy to announce our grand return to our regularly scheduled webcomics next week. To celebrate this, we offer you this brand new, one of a kind, Beatrice desktop!


Next week: a bonus Beatrice comic to celebrate our new updating schedule! Click on the tag below to see more of little Beatrice's story.

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 3!)

And now for a change of pace, may we present you with Part 3 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Parts 1 & 2, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 3!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

The werebadger clawed at the dirt as it pulled itself from the bowels of the land. Smoke curled from its flaring nostrils. Its teeth glinted in the moonlight of this otherworldly dimension, as ravenous foam dripped from its mouth. Its glowing red eyes could pierce one's very soul. But Kyle was not fazed.

"...Paulo?" he wondered aloud as the werebadger was no longer in shadow.

The creature, once menacing and certainly life-threatening, straightened, wiped the foam from his mouth, and gave a big, toothy grin. "Kyle! Buddy! It's been forever!"

The two embraced in one of those one-armed machismo hug/handshakes.

"How the hell you've been," continued Paulo the werebadger.

"Alright, alright. Actually mid-quest right now. How about you?"

"Can't complain. Roberta's just had another litter. A lot of little mouths to feed, nowadays."

"Jesus, how many kids does that make?"

"I stopped counting after 27. So, you're on a quest, huh? Whatchya after?"

"King Zombie's at it again and I need to stop him before he conquers the land. Same shit, different day."

"I hear ya. So what brings you 'round these parts, stranger?"

"Actually, I'm looking for Tabitha--"

"Tabitha?! Wow, really? I didn't think that you'd want to see her again after--"

"Don't bring it up…"

"--she kicked your ass in that tournament."

"SHE DID NOT KICK MY ASS! I...I let her win! You know, I was trying to be all gentleman-like."

"Wow, you're still sore over that? You're one of the worst losers ever, Kyle."

"I am not a bad loser! ...She cheated! S-she must have cheated somehow!"

"No, she didn't, Kyle. She's just the better fighter, that's all."

"Impossible! I'm freakin' Kyle! The motherfucking Penguin of Destiny!"

"Yeah, and she's Tabitha. Former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade. Still-reigning Champion of the Universal Fighting League--"

"I did NOT come here for this," whined Kyle as he began stomping off in the opposite direction.

"Aw c'mon, man. Cool it. You're on a quest; let's get to the quest thing. What do you need?"

"I don't want it now!"

"Quit being a baby."

"I'm not being a baby!"

"You're being awfully emotional."

"No I'm not!" Kyle cried, wiping his tears away.

"...Did you watch 'The Notebook' again?"

"...Maybe."

"Aw, dude," declared Paulo, throwing his paws in the air. "How many times do we have to take that movie away from you?!"

"B-but...Ryan Gosling--"

"Don't even go there!"

For a few moments, Kyle continued his infantile temper tantrum inwardly and blubbering outwardly, while Paulo patiently waited for Kyle’s fuming to simmer.

"...I need to find Tabitha," Kyle finally admitted.

"Easier said than done, man. You're gonna need some serious werebadger-power to find that chick."

"Why do you think I came here?"

"You know, I've been thinking about that. You never come to visit. You only call when you need something. It's getting old, dude."

"I'm busy! I'm saving the world and crap!"

"And I'm not busy?! I'm constantly fighting back people looking to use me for my clairvoyance, I'm trying to keep more than 27 kids fed, and I’m trying to keep Roberta HAPPY.... Do you know how hard that is? Her hormones are completely out of whack since having all of those kids. It really strains a werebadger, you know?" Paulo began to silently cry.

"I'm sorry, man," Kyle began to comfort, but Paulo just pushed him away.

"Don't, dude. Don't even pretend to care."

"But I do! I've been a complete dick lately!"

"Yeah, you have...but I get it. You've had a lot on your plate."

"And so have you."

"...Wanna get a beer?"

"I would love to, Paulo. I would love to."

They strolled downtown and into Paulo's favorite haunt. Situating themselves at the bar, Paulo ordered two Killian's. Irish red was his favorite and this place kept it in stock just for him.

“So, how’s Tabitha?” said Paulo as he took a sip of his Killian’s.
“I told you she’s missing! That’s why I’m here!” yelled Kyle.
“Oh yeah…sorry, mate. This ol’ werebadger may be getting a little senile. Damn kids are driving me insane. I love em’ though…except little Billy. That little bastard’s plotting something. I just know it.”
Kyle sighed and put his head in his hands…flippers. “I need to find her.” he said, barely audible in the bustling pub.
“Well, have you gone to her house in Honey Hollow?” asked Paulo as he continued his adventure into the world of Killian’s liquid refreshment.
Kyle looked up at Paulo. “What the hell are you talking about?!” screeched Kyle.
“Oh, you didn’t know? She has a nice little ninja cottage in Honey Hollow. I thought everybody knew that.”
Kyle jumped up from his bar stool. “I didn’t! Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?! You said I needed some crazy werebadger power!”
“Oh yeah…well technically you need crazy werebadger power or some form of transportation to get there…it’s pretty far from here.”
Kyle glared at Paulo. At that moment he hated every inch of this mystical creature. ‘I wish his insides would be become outsides,’ he thought. But Kyle was a saint and loved his friends no matter how stupid or senile they may be and immediately took back his wish, insides make better insides than outsides. Kyle sighed. “I have to go see her,” he said.
“Well, then be off. Good luck, my friend. May you find her swiftly.”

Kyle nodded and dashed out of the pub. He ran down the street and in an extremely swift and magical looking motion, whipped out his hover zebra and took off into the night sky. “Here I come, Honey Hollow…here I come, Tabitha,” he said to himself.

Kyle tore through the night sky; his heart and mind racing just as fast as his hover-zebra. Why had Paulo's tone of voice changed so much after he got his beer? What was Tabitha doing in Honey Hollow? How long had she been there? Did she think of him as often as he pined for her? ...What if she didn't? What if she forgot about him?! How was his breath? Did he look good--what was he wearing right now?! Aw crap, this was not the outfit she was supposed to see him in for their great reunion. He had a pinstripe number picked out.... He was going to see her hunched over a gin and tonic at the bar, looking frazzled, sad, and clearly depressed over losing him.... From the hallway, a spot light on the vacant stool next to her would cue his entrance. He would saunter in, pretend to not notice her, and order a shot of whiskey from the barkeep. The barkeep would nod appreciatively for he is obviously a bad ass for having ordered as such.

"K-Kyle?" Tabitha would ask weakly.

"Yeah," he would say in a deep, husky voice. "Oh. Tabitha. I didn't see you there."

"You look good," she would continue, shrinking some in shame.

"Yeah, I've been working out. Been competing in a lot of championships. Getting a lot of titles from all of the winning I've been doing."

"Oh...." She would wince at this. His ridiculously cool and casual nature was overbearing, but also a huge turn on. Her heart would betray her; she would fall for him! She would turn away in anguish. 'No,' she would think. 'No, I cannot bear to love so fiercely again! I cannot trust myself when it comes to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny! Not after all of the agony I went through! I cannot--help but love him. He is everything. He is light and he is breath and he is gravity. He is my world....'

Then the bartender would ante up and Kyle would down the burning, gangsta liquid in one unemotional gulp. He would stand and fix his fedora. "It's been swell, toots. See ya around." He would begin to walk away, but after exactly 4.3 steps, Tabitha would throw herself at him begging for forgiveness. He would hold her up, supporting her while remaining painfully aloof, until she finally burst into tears. Then, he would lift her face toward his, brush away the tears with his the back of his hand--I mean, back of his flipper--and kiss her gently. The music would swell, the camera would dolly back and zoom out simultaneously, and the credits would begin to roll….

SMACK!

Daydreaming, Kyle did not avoid flying straight into a tall tree, which, quite literally, sent him crashing back into reality. He fell through the branches ungracefully and landed on the ground with a sickening thud. By the good graces of whatever omnipotent force is out there, the hover-zebra missed crushing him by mere inches. He stood shakily, groaning and cursing with each effort, and began to survey his surroundings: He had made it! He was in Honey Hollow!

But just as he made this realization, a kick focused on the spot between his shoulder blades with the force of a cocaine-crazed mama kangaroo protecting its sickly, drug-dependant young sent him careening to the ground again. He knew this kick. He knew this attack strategy. He knew he needn’t look any further.

"Tabitha?" he wheezed as he turned to face his attacker.

The ultra sexy female silhouette stepped out of the trees' shadows and into a patch of moonlight. "Oh," Tabitha said in a voice dripping with disappointment and with a face to match. "Kyle. It's you."

Kyle stood up slowly. Oh, how he had missed Tabitha but her reaction to his presence was like a rocket powered spear to his heart. "Tabitha..." he said feebly, as if all of his insides have turned into jello pudding, y'see Theo.
"What are you doing here?" she asked with a disgusted tone.
"I came looking for you, baby." Kyle said as he rose to his feet.
"Don't ‘baby’ me, Kyle the Insensitive Penguin of Ass-Hole-opolis! You shouldn't have come here!"
"But Tabitha, I told you that I was only flirting with those 30 flight attendants in order to find the location of the crystal skull before 50 Cent and Indiana Jones did!"
"Sweet, sweet lies!" said Tabitha as she turned around, crossing her arms.
Kyle waddled up to her with the stride of a warrior defeated by heartache. He reached into his secret compartment and produced a ring, donning the crystal skull he collected on his previous adventure. "I needed the crystal skull for this..." he said as he presented her the ring. She turned and looked at it and almost collapsed at the sight of it. "I love you Tabitha. I always have." Kyle slid the ring on her finger and Tabitha started to weep a frenzy of weeps. A smile grew on her tear soaked face. Her eyes met his. They peered deep into each other's souls, deep into their being, knowing that this was meant to be. They inched closer. Kyle has longed for this moment, to feel the sweet gentle touch of Tabitha's lips pressed against his powerful penguin beak. They inched even closer. But before the joining of these two powerful and bodacious beings could be completed, a horde of WarLizards jumped out and surrounded them.
"Why does everything in this fucking world travel in hordes?!" yelled Kyle.
The shit has just hit the fan!

Tabitha didn’t miss a beat, instantly breaking her gaze with Kyle and then some WarLizard’s jaw with her fist. She moved in a fluid, lethal way, having kept up her Sexy Ninja Brigade training while no longer employed by them. She took out 3 WarLizards while Kyle watched dreamily, admiring her form, her strength, and her powerful thighs. But as Kyle was imagining what else those thighs could do, the captain of the WarLizard horde stealthily snuck behind Kyle and grabbed him by this throat.
“Gyah—!” choked Kyle.
“Ceassssse, Tabitha! Should you want the penguin to live,” hissed the captain of the WarLizard horde.
Tabitha stopped mid-bicycle kick and spun toward them. “Let him go, Xonox! He isn’t part of the deal!”
“Issssssn’t he? You guaranteed usssss an unrivaled sssssupply of missssery. Hisss sssssudden joy and your inexplicable change of heart hasss weakened my massster. Our deal hasss been broken.”
“What the hell—,” Kyle began, but Xonox’s grip tightened.
“Quiet, penguin. You know not what you encounter here. Now, Tabitha, you know what you mussssst do,” said Xonox in a sing-song voice.
Enraged, Tabitha rounded on the nearest WarLizard and punched its face in with her left hand, shattering crystal skull ring accidentally.
“Oh shit,” sputtered Kyle.
A faint glow emanated around Tabitha and then flickered into nothingness. She blinked several times and a slow look of realization, disappointment, and then anger crossed her face.
“A sssspell,” cried Xonox. “The penguin fooled you! The very one you made a deal with usssss to protect! This irony issss delicioussss.”

Kyle had had the ring cursed to ensure that Tabitha would forgive him for all of his many, many flaws despite her superior intellect and infallible judgment. The witch, the same witch that had cursed him with the minimum-wage summer job when he short changed her in payment for her ring-cursing services, had promised him that the spell should last as long as the ring. Kyle assumed this meant forever, but had clearly overestimated the craftsmanship of the ri ng.

‘Goddamn discount witch doctor with his goddamn shoddy work,’ he thought. ‘I KNEW I should have splurged for the Fair Trade Certified tribesmen!’ Now that the spell had been broken and, worse yet, Tabitha was aware that there even was a spell, Kyle knew he was in for world of hurt. Game over, man. Game over.

She turned to him and walked toward him at a menacingly slow pace. Each footstep echoing the stabs of fear, dread, and melancholy that Kyle was experiencing. She had no words for the absolute thoroughness of her anger. Xonox, feeding off of the delectable negative emotions in the air, grinned hideously and wisely let Kyle go. Kyle fell to the ground and meekly looked up at Tabitha as she closed in on him.

“Tabby, babe, you understand,” he simpered. “I know you understand. It’s ‘cause I love you so much! I...I RESPECT you so much! Y-you know I do, baby. You know that I--ack!”

As he curled into the fetal position, she took off the ring and threw it at him. She turned to Xonox and quietly said, “Let’s go.”

“Gladly,” smiled Xonox as he began to conjure a portal. A loud tearing sounded and the space before him opened into a dark, swirling lack of existence. “Ladiessss firsssst.”

Tabitha walked to the portal and looked back at Kyle one last time. If looks could kill, Kyle would have died a thousand deaths. All very painful deaths: being drawn-and-quartered, being tossed into a volcano, being hurtled into deep space, being submitted to an endless string of public schoolchildren’s talent shows….

She opened her mouth to speak, but finding no words, just shook her head at him. She stepped through the portal. The WarLizards followed. The tear in time and space repaired itself. She was gone.

Kyle looked up and began to cry the tears of a defeated hero. He could feel the WarLizards become stronger from his sadness. He had failed. Why wasn't he honest with Tabitha? Why did he resort to trickery? Why is he such a little bitch? So many questions concerning his bitchdom rushed into his head. Everything was going swimmingly until he gave her the ring. Kyle looked down at it, half submerged in the dirt. He picked it up and glared at it. His anger and frustration peaked. He was filled with such heartache and rage that he crushed the ring with his powerful penguin hands...I mean, flippers. The ring turned into a green smoke and began to swirl around him. Suddenly, the smoke became still, and then rushed into Kyle's body. He dropped to his knees as he felt the smoke coursing through every fiber of his being. What is this feeling? He felt as if he was surging with unrelenting power...more power. He had the urge to kill, to destroy, to shop at Pay-Less. This power filled Kyle with some joy in this dark time. As Kyle was going through this magnificent change, a few remaining WarLizards came out of the forest, riding fearsome platysauruses. They were vicious, large creatures. They looked like a mutated stegosaurus had sex with a platypus that had spilled McDonald's coffee on its lap. Unfortunately for Kyle, these things didn't feed on plant life--that's bitch food! These things thrived on blood and destruction and, of course, orphans. Kyle noticed the encroaching danger and a smile crossed his face. It looks like he found the cure for his sudden blood lust. He was sure he could get one of these WarLizards to tell him where Tabitha may have gone...and he was going to have fun doing it.
The WarLizards let out a screeching cry and the platysauruses charged...

(TO BE CONTINUED...!)

"RED" update 5!

Here's a sneak peak at our last preview page for "RED" (working title)!

Let us know what you think! And be sure to tune in next week, when we aim to offer something different for once....

"RED" update 4!

One day soon, we'll get back to our regularly scheduled web-comics.... We promise.

But until then, here's a sneak-peak at our second sample page for "RED" (working title) to tide you over.


Let us know what you think! For more on "RED", click the label below.

"RED" update 3!

Still hard at work at our pitch-preparation, we present you with an updated version of the first of our sample pages for "RED" (working title):

For more on "RED", click the label below!

"Saving Eva" update, take 2!

We're still plugging away at our pitch-meeting prep.... So in lieu of your regularly scheduled Beatrice comic, we present you with:

BAM! A prototype of the Saving Eva, Issue #1 cover!

For more on Saving Eva, click the Label Link below!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 2!)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Genre Squad to bring you Part 2 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Part 1, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 2!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle wandered through the dark woods. Any other creature would have been desperately lost...but not Kyle. He's like a God with a built-in GPS. It was almost as if he created the universe or it was created for him. He trudged on through the forest until he reached a babbling brook. I mean seriously, the brook wouldn't shut the hell up. It talked down to Kyle.
"You won't defeat the Zombie King! He's much more powerful than thee! You are weak in comparison," it gurgled.
Kyle smirked at the brook. "I like a challenge," he said. Then Kyle punched the brook with the force of a thousand suns. The brook was hit so hard that it got AIDS! Kyle looked at the brook huddled over in pain, suffering from AIDS, and smiled. Kyle turned, and continued his journey. "King Zombie here I come!" he thought...

He trudged through the Dessert Desert, Insomniac Hollow, and the Fiery Ocean, finally landing him at the edge of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. He paused by the border to contemplate the epic battle he was about to incite. He paused by the border to think of his two hot chicks that he totally could have had but had murdered instead. He paused by the border to think of his long-dead family, victims of the honey-zombies. He paused by the border to take a leak.
Crossing the border, he felt a sudden pressure in his head. "A spell?!" he gasped.
"We know you are here, Kyle. We know where you are," said a voice from all around and within him.
"King Zombie! Get out of my brain!"
"Never. I am always with you Kyle. I live within the memory of your parents. I am part of you."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Kyle thrashed about like a kid with epilepsy watching anime while eating refined sugar. His insides burned and his skin crawled. Finally, after many moments of struggle, Kyle submitted to the darkness and passed out.

Kyle awoke many hours later in the dungeon of King Zombie's honey drenched lair. He has been in some awful dungeons before but this one was of the lowest quality he has ever seen...it had only two flat screens and basic cable. This enraged Kyle to no end. A zombie guard walked by and saw Kyle flipping out like crazy. The guard called for help but it was too late. Kyle took a bite out of the steel bars with his mighty jaws and broke free. The zombie panicked and reached for the nearest weapon but, again, the zombie was too late. Kyle folded him in half like a piece of paper. A horde of zombies rushed down into the dungeons and circled him. Kyle smiled. He will have their blood on his hands...flippers...wings...whatever! The zombies charged...

Kyle did a back-handspring into a back walkover-aerial into a back-layout and stuck landing not unlike an Olympic gymnast. The awed zombies paused in stupor allowing him to do a standing front tuck with his arms out like razors, maiming the two nearest him. They all tried to flee, now that they truly grasped the sheer amount of awesomeness they were facing, but Kyle had them in within his wrathy sights and none would escape alive. Or, undead-alive. You know what I mean.
Kung-fu films have not seen the virtuosity of his attacks. He pummeled in a way that words cannot comprehend, all to the rhythm of his own beating heart. Yes, his heart was the only driving force he could hear now. The heart that had loved his now-dead and -decaying family. The heart that had almost loved the hot chick and alien-hottie before he killed them. The heart that had outlasted so many enemies: unicorns, not-so-hot-aliens, chatty brooks…. So supremely focused, he punched straight through a zombie’s chest and pulled out its heart, cramming it down the dude’s throat and greedily watched it as it bled to death and suffocated at the same time. What a sweet kill.
Surrounded by corpses of corpses, Kyle stormed down the hall making quick work of any that dared to challenge him. Karate chop! Judo kick! Right hook! Roundhouse! Ball shot!
It was not long before the trail of bodies led him to King Zombie's chambers. This was it, Kyle knew. The battle to end the war.

Kyle walked into King Zombie's chambers with more confidence than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme combined. "So you finally arrived!" said King Zombie as he pet his flamingasaurus. "I've been waiting for you."
Kyle looked around the chamber and surveyed the soon-to-be battle zone. "I see you've added a pool table since the last time I kicked your ass," Kyle said as he crossed his flipper fin arms.
"That's not just a pool table...it's the pool table of doom!" yelled King Zombie and as if on cue, the pool table sprung to life and began firing pool balls at Kyle.
But this didn't surprise Kyle in the least. With a single glance, Kyle splintered the pool table into a million pieces. "Is that all you got? I expected more from the ruler of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows," said Kyle with a smirk.
King Zombie smiled. "The battle hasn't even begun...ATTACK!!!" yelled King Zombie. Suddenly, sexy female ninjas appeared out of a cloud of smoke that smelled like strawberries.
"THE SEXY NINJA BRIGADE?!" cried Kyle.
These were the most beautiful and deadly creatures in the world. The only person that has ever bested Kyle was one of the leaders of the brigade. His true love, his long lost love. He had much respect for the Sexy Ninja Brigade and did not wish to fight them. They closed in around him but Kyle remained still, his head hung in sadness as he remembered the times he spent with his sexy ninja beauty.
"ATTACK!" yelled King Zombie. Kyle was filled with so much unrelenting rage at this point that the windows in King Zombie's chamber melted and shattered at the same time. He glanced up and the Sexy Ninja Brigade froze in terror. Kyle looked right through them to King Zombie. He was his enemy, not these unbelievably sexy ninjas. King Zombie must die...again. Kyle launched himself like a rocket at King Zombie and landed a kick of such power that it turned King Zombie inside out. Candy spilled out of the corpse of King Zombie and landed at Kyle's feet.
"What's this?!" exclaimed Kyle. "A fraud?!" King Zombie pulled the old switcharoo, for this was one of King Zombie's servants from Piñata Isle.
Kyle knew where he must go. He looked back at the Sexy Ninja Brigade with a look of respect and of disappointment that they would accept a contract from the person responsible for the disappearance of his true love. And with that, he leapt out of a window. King Zombie will pay....

Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and tore across the countryside, letting the cool breeze dry his hot tears. He had not thought of Tabitha, the former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, in a long time and for good reason. He hated to cry; he hated to look like a pansy.
He knew that he had to track down King Zombie and give him the beating of a lifetime, but not before he had regained his cool. He toodled back into town and into the local grocery market, wearing oversized sunglasses to hide his red, bleary eyes. He picked up pre-made cookie dough, a six pack, and a copy of "The Notebook" on Blu-ray, since it was on special at the checkout. Back at his dump of an apartment, he popped in the movie, ate all of the raw cookie dough, and cried into his beer. Oh, "The Notebook". Oh, Ryan Gosling.
Drunk, full, and exhausted, Kyle passed out on his couch.

He dreamed the dreams of a champion, the dreams of a warrior, the dreams of a penguin who lost his one and only love. Tears trickled down his face. "Curse you, Notebook!" he thought. "Curse you..."
Kyle sensed a presence as he lay on his couch. The enticing smell of strawberries wafted into his mighty nostrils. He opened his eyes and assumed an attack position. He was surrounded by the Sexy Ninja Brigade. They all stepped forward and kneeled before him.
"We are sorry," they said in unison.
Latisha, the new leader in Tabitha's stead stepped forward. "We are truly sorry, great one. We were under some kind of spell and were forced to do the bidding of King Zombie," she said with the utmost sincerity. "It seems that King Zombie has enlisted the services of the WarLizard, Hydranus."
WarLizards were a fierce race of warlock lizards who fed on orphans and the sadness of warriors. Kyle was taken aback by this revelation and realized that it was his fault King Zombie has achieved so much power. With the help of the WarLizards fueled by Kyle's sadness and King Zombie's tenacity and spunky attitude, they form a force to be reckoned with. Kyle knew what must be done if he was going to defeat King Zombie. He must find his love, Tabitha to cure his sadness. The Sexy Ninja Brigade offered their assistance. Kyle motioned for the Sexy Ninja Brigade to stand up as he strolled to the door of apartment. "Let's go!" he said.

Just as Kyle, Latisha, and the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade were about to exit the apartment, an apartment-shaking boom sounded outside. They went to the window as a second boom echoed and saw a giant mech tromping through the city.
"Bwa ha ha ha! You have led me to you secret hideout, Kyle! Your end is nigh!" said an equally booming voice.
"Say whaaaaaaaaat?!" cried Kyle.
"A tracking device, you moron!" Latisha, with sexy-ninja-like speed turned Kyle upside down and shook him until everything loose fell to the floor. Among the gum wrappers, loose change, and condoms, a small device with a blinking red light was visible among the debris.
"Oh, snap," Kyle admitted in defeat.
"We will assassinate the giant robot. You find Tabitha," Latisha ordered, signaling the Sexy Ninja Brigade to move out. They leapt from the windows, demonstrating superior skill, strength, and sexiness. Superior even to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny.
"But I don't know where she is..." whined Kyle pitifully.
Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of a dozen pimps and held him by his possibly-nonexistent lapels. "Pull yourself together, you pussy. I'll never know what Tabitha saw in you, but I'll be damned if you go back to her like this."
Kyle attempted to man-up, but images of Tabitha's beautiful face, Ryan Gosling's beautiful face, and his face in a toilet bowl as his hangover began to kick in swam before him.
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"The Plains of Purple Rain. She was wearing a raspberry beret and driving a little red corvette. God, she looked so gorgeous. It could make doves cry...."
Latisha bitch-slapped him again. "Snap out of it! Focus on the matter at hand!"
"Right. Finding Tabitha."
"Right!" She bitch-slapped him a third time.

As she reached back to slap Kyle a fourth time, Kyle vanished like a box of donuts in a police department. Latisha stepped back and smiled. "Good luck."
All Kyle could see was darkness...but then he opened his eyes and the darkness was gone. Kyle was in the middle of the Marshmallow Meadows, the most dangerous of all meadows. He stood up and looked around. Why was he brought here, he thought. Suddenly, the ground began to crack underneath him. Kyle flipped backwards just as the hands of a dreaded werebadger reached out of the cracks to grab his powerful penguin legs. This was the reason Kyle was brought here. Werebadgers were clairvoyants but would only reveal the secrets of the past, present, and future if they are defeated. Kyle smiled. It was clearly on!

(TO BE CONTINUED...!)