KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 4)!

Okay, I know we promised you a new Genre Squad...but we were blind-sided by work this week. We hope you accept this humble offering in its stead: Part IV of Kyle's adventure.

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 4!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle grabbed the nearest tree, ripped it from the ground, and swung at the charging WarLizards like a pro-baseball player whose blood was teeming with steroids and Gatorade. All but one of the WarLizards’ faces were brutally smashed in, puncturing their brains with bone, cartilage, and tree parts.

“HOO-RAH!” cried Kyle, flinging the tree behind him.

The platysauruses, no longer tamed by the WarLizard’s witchcraft, began to devour the bloody, unmoving remains of those who felt Kyle’s wrath. Kyle pinned the one, terrified survivor in a WWE-approved ankle hold.

“Start talking,” grunted Kyle.
“I’ll tell ya anything you want to know! Jussst don’t maul me, pleasssse!” whined the survivor.

“That’ll depend on your answer. Where’s Tabitha?”

“They probably went to go sssee Hydranussssss! They would want to follow through on the deal!”

“What deal,” said Kyle as he began to twist the WarLizard’s ankle in the wrong direction.

“Ow! Th-the deal that she m-made when she moved to Honey Hollow! When she r-resssigned from the Sssexy Ninja Brigade! S-she ssswore off fighting for truth, justice, and orphansss ssso t-that—-“ But before the WarLizard could finish, a plume of smoke began to emanate from his mouth. “Massster Hydranusssss! Noo!” he sputtered as smoke and acid spilled from his chops.

Kyle stood back and watched as the WarLizard choked on the acerbic liquid, struggling until his last breath. “Daaaaayuuuumn,” he said quietly, as he stood among the wreckage. His newfound power still coursed through his veins; his bones and sinewy muscles humming with every heartbeat. The rhythm of his cardiovascular palpitations set a pace for his racing thoughts: Not much closer to resolving the turn of puzzling events, he ruminated on what to do next. Kyle’s options were few: He could visit Paulo in hopes that he could convince him to go all clairvoyant at the cost of a few beers, he could go back to Latisha to try and get the official response to Tabitha’s resignation, he could go pick up another copy of “The Notebook” and ask Ryan Gosling, he could hunt down King Zombie at Piñata Isle—that dude MUST be involved somehow.... But Kyle knew what must be done: he must go find that discount witch doctor and demand a refund for his shitacular craftsmanship.

Kyle began to pace back and forth contemplating his next move in his mighty penguin brain. He checked his compartment and pulled out his wallet. He didn’t have enough money to treat Paulo to the Killian’s he desired, so that wasn’t an option. “The Notebook” pretty much causes all of Kyle’s bodily functions to shut down. “Damn you, Ryan Gosling.” he thought. It seemed like his only option was the witch doctor who cursed him. Kyle looked at the platysauruses mauling the remains of the WarLizards. He strolled up to one and grabbed it by the bill.

“You’re taking me where I need to go, right?!” he said to the platysaurus. All of the surrounding platysauruses lowered their heads and slinked away in fear. The platysaurus that was in Kyle’s mighty grasp nodded. And with a smirk, Kyle turned and punched a hole in time and space, creating a vortex that led to the Cuddle Swamp. Kyle hopped onto the back of the platysaurus and dashed into the vortex.

Cuddle Swamp was in the deepest and darkest part of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Only those who have been there can go there and only those who have left there can leave. Kyle and the platysaurus, whom he named Slippers while in the vortex, trudged through the swamp. An eerie and ominous fog wafted over the ground; Kyle sensed something wasn’t right. Slippers marched on through the swamp with an ever vigilant Kyle surveying the area. As they passed by trees, they began to move and rearrange themselves. Slippers stopped as the path they were following was closed off by the trees. They were surrounded, but by what—that was the mystery. The ground under Slippers and Kyle began to quake. Kyle looked down and saw a wooden fin crack the ground.

“Shit, a wood shark!” exclaimed Kyle. He dropped down to the ground and got into attack position. The ground beneath Slippers broke away and a giant wooden shark leapt from the earth and latched onto Slippers with its wooden jaws. Vines began to slither off of the wood shark’s body and started entangling Slippers. This wood shark had crossed the line and it was going down…

Kyle ripped Slippers free from the vines, and continued tearing an excessive amount from the wood shark’s body if only to cause it more pain. With Slippers presumably safe behind him, Kyle was unaware as 3 more fins pierced the soil and surrounded Slippers.

“Gwarp,” cried a panicked Slippers. “GWARP!”

“Not now, Slippers! I’m totally beating on this wood shark that tried to devour you! I’m too distracted by my rage!”

“Gwarp gwarp GWARP,” continued Slippers as he attempted to scale the trees behind him. But, being a platysaurus, the claws he did have were insufficient for tree climbing and he also lacked the opposable thumbs that would compensate for such a deficiency.

“Not NOW Slippers! I’m too busy RAGING!” Kyle continued to thrash the first wood shark into a pulpy mash. “Fuck you, wood shark! Fuck you for trying to attack my new best friend in the whole wide world, Slippers!”

The 3 wood sharks behind Kyle crested the earth and bared their sharp, splintered teeth at Slippers. Slippers could not even cry out as they pounced and dragged him below the dirt. He fought back as the mightiest platysaurus would, but he was no match for 3 of the world’s most fierce predators.

“There,” declared Kyle as he stood over the remains of the original wood shark. “Now what did you want to tell me, Sli—NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kyle turned around in time just to see Slippers go from living being to corpse as he was torn in twain. “BEST FRIEND SLIPPERS! SLIIIIIIIIIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!”

The 3 wood sharks rounded on Kyle. They were still hungry.

“You mother fucking, good for nothing, pieces of wooden shit!!!” exclaimed Kyle. He was filled with the rage of a God who stubbed his toe on the mightiest of mountains. These wooden bitches were going down. “I will devour your souls!” yelled Kyle.

One of the wood sharks leapt out of the ground at him, but fueled by rage and the loss of his new best friend, Kyle released a thunderous uppercut, splintering the wood shark into a million little bitch pieces which he totally plans on selling as toothpicks later. The other 2 wood sharks, surprisingly, were not fazed by what they just witnessed. A grin grew across both of their faces and they began to glow. As Kyle looked around, the little bitch pieces began to glow as well. Kyle took a step back. The glowing wood sharks suddenly began to fuse together with the bitch pieces like some sort of wooden Voltron bitch.

“Oh hell no!” said Kyle as he performed a divine jump kick at the forming monstrosity, but it was too late. The transformation was complete. The 3 wood sharks had become the rare, Great Red Wood Shark. Sap began to ooze from its mouth as it eyed Kyle. Its hunger was strong.

Kyle wiped the sweat from his brow and looked his new opponent up and down. “I love a challenge,” he said to himself under his breath. But as Kyle was preparing to attack, the Great Red Wood Shark plunged back into the earth and the ground filled itself in after it.

“W-T-F!” Kyle looked around, confused as to what just happened. As he surveyed the area, the ground began to quake. Kyle looked down and the Great Red Wood Shark burst through the ground beneath him, sending Kyle airborne.

“I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Kyle as he fell into the mouth of the Great Red Wood Shark….

(TO BE CONTINUED!)