KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 3!)

And now for a change of pace, may we present you with Part 3 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Parts 1 & 2, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 2!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

The werebadger clawed at the dirt as it pulled itself from the bowels of the land. Smoke curled from its flaring nostrils. Its teeth glinted in the moonlight of this otherworldly dimension, as ravenous foam dripped from its mouth. Its glowing red eyes could pierce one's very soul. But Kyle was not fazed.

"...Paulo?" he wondered aloud as the werebadger was no longer in shadow.

The creature, once menacing and certainly life-threatening, straightened, wiped the foam from his mouth, and gave a big, toothy grin. "Kyle! Buddy! It's been forever!"

The two embraced in one of those one-armed machismo hug/handshakes.

"How the hell you've been," continued Paulo the werebadger.

"Alright, alright. Actually mid-quest right now. How about you?"

"Can't complain. Roberta's just had another litter. A lot of little mouths to feed, nowadays."

"Jesus, how many kids does that make?"

"I stopped counting after 27. So, you're on a quest, huh? Whatchya after?"

"King Zombie's at it again and I need to stop him before he conquers the land. Same shit, different day."

"I hear ya. So what brings you 'round these parts, stranger?"

"Actually, I'm looking for Tabitha--"

"Tabitha?! Wow, really? I didn't think that you'd want to see her again after--"

"Don't bring it up…"

"--she kicked your ass in that tournament."

"SHE DID NOT KICK MY ASS! I...I let her win! You know, I was trying to be all gentleman-like."

"Wow, you're still sore over that? You're one of the worst losers ever, Kyle."

"I am not a bad loser! ...She cheated! S-she must have cheated somehow!"

"No, she didn't, Kyle. She's just the better fighter, that's all."

"Impossible! I'm freakin' Kyle! The motherfucking Penguin of Destiny!"

"Yeah, and she's Tabitha. Former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade. Still-reigning Champion of the Universal Fighting League--"

"I did NOT come here for this," whined Kyle as he began stomping off in the opposite direction.

"Aw c'mon, man. Cool it. You're on a quest; let's get to the quest thing. What do you need?"

"I don't want it now!"

"Quit being a baby."

"I'm not being a baby!"

"You're being awfully emotional."

"No I'm not!" Kyle cried, wiping his tears away.

"...Did you watch 'The Notebook' again?"

"...Maybe."

"Aw, dude," declared Paulo, throwing his paws in the air. "How many times do we have to take that movie away from you?!"

"B-but...Ryan Gosling--"

"Don't even go there!"

For a few moments, Kyle continued his infantile temper tantrum inwardly and blubbering outwardly, while Paulo patiently waited for Kyle’s fuming to simmer.

"...I need to find Tabitha," Kyle finally admitted.

"Easier said than done, man. You're gonna need some serious werebadger-power to find that chick."

"Why do you think I came here?"

"You know, I've been thinking about that. You never come to visit. You only call when you need something. It's getting old, dude."

"I'm busy! I'm saving the world and crap!"

"And I'm not busy?! I'm constantly fighting back people looking to use me for my clairvoyance, I'm trying to keep more than 27 kids fed, and I’m trying to keep Roberta HAPPY.... Do you know how hard that is? Her hormones are completely out of whack since having all of those kids. It really strains a werebadger, you know?" Paulo began to silently cry.

"I'm sorry, man," Kyle began to comfort, but Paulo just pushed him away.

"Don't, dude. Don't even pretend to care."

"But I do! I've been a complete dick lately!"

"Yeah, you have...but I get it. You've had a lot on your plate."

"And so have you."

"...Wanna get a beer?"

"I would love to, Paulo. I would love to."

They strolled downtown and into Paulo's favorite haunt. Situating themselves at the bar, Paulo ordered two Killian's. Irish red was his favorite and this place kept it in stock just for him.

“So, how’s Tabitha?” said Paulo as he took a sip of his Killian’s.
“I told you she’s missing! That’s why I’m here!” yelled Kyle.
“Oh yeah…sorry, mate. This ol’ werebadger may be getting a little senile. Damn kids are driving me insane. I love em’ though…except little Billy. That little bastard’s plotting something. I just know it.”
Kyle sighed and put his head in his hands…flippers. “I need to find her.” he said, barely audible in the bustling pub.
“Well, have you gone to her house in Honey Hollow?” asked Paulo as he continued his adventure into the world of Killian’s liquid refreshment.
Kyle looked up at Paulo. “What the hell are you talking about?!” screeched Kyle.
“Oh, you didn’t know? She has a nice little ninja cottage in Honey Hollow. I thought everybody knew that.”
Kyle jumped up from his bar stool. “I didn’t! Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?! You said I needed some crazy werebadger power!”
“Oh yeah…well technically you need crazy werebadger power or some form of transportation to get there…it’s pretty far from here.”
Kyle glared at Paulo. At that moment he hated every inch of this mystical creature. ‘I wish his insides would be become outsides,’ he thought. But Kyle was a saint and loved his friends no matter how stupid or senile they may be and immediately took back his wish, insides make better insides than outsides. Kyle sighed. “I have to go see her,” he said.
“Well, then be off. Good luck, my friend. May you find her swiftly.”

Kyle nodded and dashed out of the pub. He ran down the street and in an extremely swift and magical looking motion, whipped out his hover zebra and took off into the night sky. “Here I come, Honey Hollow…here I come, Tabitha,” he said to himself.

Kyle tore through the night sky; his heart and mind racing just as fast as his hover-zebra. Why had Paulo's tone of voice changed so much after he got his beer? What was Tabitha doing in Honey Hollow? How long had she been there? Did she think of him as often as he pined for her? ...What if she didn't? What if she forgot about him?! How was his breath? Did he look good--what was he wearing right now?! Aw crap, this was not the outfit she was supposed to see him in for their great reunion. He had a pinstripe number picked out.... He was going to see her hunched over a gin and tonic at the bar, looking frazzled, sad, and clearly depressed over losing him.... From the hallway, a spot light on the vacant stool next to her would cue his entrance. He would saunter in, pretend to not notice her, and order a shot of whiskey from the barkeep. The barkeep would nod appreciatively for he is obviously a bad ass for having ordered as such.

"K-Kyle?" Tabitha would ask weakly.

"Yeah," he would say in a deep, husky voice. "Oh. Tabitha. I didn't see you there."

"You look good," she would continue, shrinking some in shame.

"Yeah, I've been working out. Been competing in a lot of championships. Getting a lot of titles from all of the winning I've been doing."

"Oh...." She would wince at this. His ridiculously cool and casual nature was overbearing, but also a huge turn on. Her heart would betray her; she would fall for him! She would turn away in anguish. 'No,' she would think. 'No, I cannot bear to love so fiercely again! I cannot trust myself when it comes to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny! Not after all of the agony I went through! I cannot--help but love him. He is everything. He is light and he is breath and he is gravity. He is my world....'

Then the bartender would ante up and Kyle would down the burning, gangsta liquid in one unemotional gulp. He would stand and fix his fedora. "It's been swell, toots. See ya around." He would begin to walk away, but after exactly 4.3 steps, Tabitha would throw herself at him begging for forgiveness. He would hold her up, supporting her while remaining painfully aloof, until she finally burst into tears. Then, he would lift her face toward his, brush away the tears with his the back of his hand--I mean, back of his flipper--and kiss her gently. The music would swell, the camera would dolly back and zoom out simultaneously, and the credits would begin to roll….

SMACK!

Daydreaming, Kyle did not avoid flying straight into a tall tree, which, quite literally, sent him crashing back into reality. He fell through the branches ungracefully and landed on the ground with a sickening thud. By the good graces of whatever omnipotent force is out there, the hover-zebra missed crushing him by mere inches. He stood shakily, groaning and cursing with each effort, and began to survey his surroundings: He had made it! He was in Honey Hollow!

But just as he made this realization, a kick focused on the spot between his shoulder blades with the force of a cocaine-crazed mama kangaroo protecting its sickly, drug-dependant young sent him careening to the ground again. He knew this kick. He knew this attack strategy. He knew he needn’t look any further.

"Tabitha?" he wheezed as he turned to face his attacker.

The ultra sexy female silhouette stepped out of the trees' shadows and into a patch of moonlight. "Oh," Tabitha said in a voice dripping with disappointment and with a face to match. "Kyle. It's you."

Kyle stood up slowly. Oh, how he had missed Tabitha but her reaction to his presence was like a rocket powered spear to his heart. "Tabitha..." he said feebly, as if all of his insides have turned into jello pudding, y'see Theo.
"What are you doing here?" she asked with a disgusted tone.
"I came looking for you, baby." Kyle said as he rose to his feet.
"Don't ‘baby’ me, Kyle the Insensitive Penguin of Ass-Hole-opolis! You shouldn't have come here!"
"But Tabitha, I told you that I was only flirting with those 30 flight attendants in order to find the location of the crystal skull before 50 Cent and Indiana Jones did!"
"Sweet, sweet lies!" said Tabitha as she turned around, crossing her arms.
Kyle waddled up to her with the stride of a warrior defeated by heartache. He reached into his secret compartment and produced a ring, donning the crystal skull he collected on his previous adventure. "I needed the crystal skull for this..." he said as he presented her the ring. She turned and looked at it and almost collapsed at the sight of it. "I love you Tabitha. I always have." Kyle slid the ring on her finger and Tabitha started to weep a frenzy of weeps. A smile grew on her tear soaked face. Her eyes met his. They peered deep into each other's souls, deep into their being, knowing that this was meant to be. They inched closer. Kyle has longed for this moment, to feel the sweet gentle touch of Tabitha's lips pressed against his powerful penguin beak. They inched even closer. But before the joining of these two powerful and bodacious beings could be completed, a horde of WarLizards jumped out and surrounded them.
"Why does everything in this fucking world travel in hordes?!" yelled Kyle.
The shit has just hit the fan!

Tabitha didn’t miss a beat, instantly breaking her gaze with Kyle and then some WarLizard’s jaw with her fist. She moved in a fluid, lethal way, having kept up her Sexy Ninja Brigade training while no longer employed by them. She took out 3 WarLizards while Kyle watched dreamily, admiring her form, her strength, and her powerful thighs. But as Kyle was imagining what else those thighs could do, the captain of the WarLizard horde stealthily snuck behind Kyle and grabbed him by this throat.
“Gyah—!” choked Kyle.
“Ceassssse, Tabitha! Should you want the penguin to live,” hissed the captain of the WarLizard horde.
Tabitha stopped mid-bicycle kick and spun toward them. “Let him go, Xonox! He isn’t part of the deal!”
“Issssssn’t he? You guaranteed usssss an unrivaled sssssupply of missssery. Hisss sssssudden joy and your inexplicable change of heart hasss weakened my massster. Our deal hasss been broken.”
“What the hell—,” Kyle began, but Xonox’s grip tightened.
“Quiet, penguin. You know not what you encounter here. Now, Tabitha, you know what you mussssst do,” said Xonox in a sing-song voice.
Enraged, Tabitha rounded on the nearest WarLizard and punched its face in with her left hand, shattering crystal skull ring accidentally.
“Oh shit,” sputtered Kyle.
A faint glow emanated around Tabitha and then flickered into nothingness. She blinked several times and a slow look of realization, disappointment, and then anger crossed her face.
“A sssspell,” cried Xonox. “The penguin fooled you! The very one you made a deal with usssss to protect! This irony issss delicioussss.”

Kyle had had the ring cursed to ensure that Tabitha would forgive him for all of his many, many flaws despite her superior intellect and infallible judgment. The witch, the same witch that had cursed him with the minimum-wage summer job when he short changed her in payment for her ring-cursing services, had promised him that the spell should last as long as the ring. Kyle assumed this meant forever, but had clearly overestimated the craftsmanship of the ri ng.

‘Goddamn discount witch doctor with his goddamn shoddy work,’ he thought. ‘I KNEW I should have splurged for the Fair Trade Certified tribesmen!’ Now that the spell had been broken and, worse yet, Tabitha was aware that there even was a spell, Kyle knew he was in for world of hurt. Game over, man. Game over.

She turned to him and walked toward him at a menacingly slow pace. Each footstep echoing the stabs of fear, dread, and melancholy that Kyle was experiencing. She had no words for the absolute thoroughness of her anger. Xonox, feeding off of the delectable negative emotions in the air, grinned hideously and wisely let Kyle go. Kyle fell to the ground and meekly looked up at Tabitha as she closed in on him.

“Tabby, babe, you understand,” he simpered. “I know you understand. It’s ‘cause I love you so much! I...I RESPECT you so much! Y-you know I do, baby. You know that I--ack!”

As he curled into the fetal position, she took off the ring and threw it at him. She turned to Xonox and quietly said, “Let’s go.”

“Gladly,” smiled Xonox as he began to conjure a portal. A loud tearing sounded and the space before him opened into a dark, swirling lack of existence. “Ladiessss firsssst.”

Tabitha walked to the portal and looked back at Kyle one last time. If looks could kill, Kyle would have died a thousand deaths. All very painful deaths: being drawn-and-quartered, being tossed into a volcano, being hurtled into deep space, being submitted to an endless string of public schoolchildren’s talent shows….

She opened her mouth to speak, but finding no words, just shook her head at him. She stepped through the portal. The WarLizards followed. The tear in time and space repaired itself. She was gone.

Kyle looked up and began to cry the tears of a defeated hero. He could feel the WarLizards become stronger from his sadness. He had failed. Why wasn't he honest with Tabitha? Why did he resort to trickery? Why is he such a little bitch? So many questions concerning his bitchdom rushed into his head. Everything was going swimmingly until he gave her the ring. Kyle looked down at it, half submerged in the dirt. He picked it up and glared at it. His anger and frustration peaked. He was filled with such heartache and rage that he crushed the ring with his powerful penguin hands...I mean, flippers. The ring turned into a green smoke and began to swirl around him. Suddenly, the smoke became still, and then rushed into Kyle's body. He dropped to his knees as he felt the smoke coursing through every fiber of his being. What is this feeling? He felt as if he was surging with unrelenting power...more power. He had the urge to kill, to destroy, to shop at Pay-Less. This power filled Kyle with some joy in this dark time. As Kyle was going through this magnificent change, a few remaining WarLizards came out of the forest, riding fearsome platysauruses. They were vicious, large creatures. They looked like a mutated stegosaurus had sex with a platypus that had spilled McDonald's coffee on its lap. Unfortunately for Kyle, these things didn't feed on plant life--that's bitch food! These things thrived on blood and destruction and, of course, orphans. Kyle noticed the encroaching danger and a smile crossed his face. It looks like he found the cure for his sudden blood lust. He was sure he could get one of these WarLizards to tell him where Tabitha may have gone...and he was going to have fun doing it.
The WarLizards let out a screeching cry and the platysauruses charged...

(TO BE CONTINUED...!)

"RED" update 5!

Here's a sneak peak at our last preview page for "RED" (working title)!

Let us know what you think! And be sure to tune in next week, when we aim to offer something different for once....

"RED" update 4!

One day soon, we'll get back to our regularly scheduled web-comics.... We promise.

But until then, here's a sneak-peak at our second sample page for "RED" (working title) to tide you over.


Let us know what you think! For more on "RED", click the label below.

"RED" update 3!

Still hard at work at our pitch-preparation, we present you with an updated version of the first of our sample pages for "RED" (working title):

For more on "RED", click the label below!

"Saving Eva" update, take 2!

We're still plugging away at our pitch-meeting prep.... So in lieu of your regularly scheduled Beatrice comic, we present you with:

BAM! A prototype of the Saving Eva, Issue #1 cover!

For more on Saving Eva, click the Label Link below!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 2!)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Genre Squad to bring you Part 2 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Part 1, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 2!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle wandered through the dark woods. Any other creature would have been desperately lost...but not Kyle. He's like a God with a built-in GPS. It was almost as if he created the universe or it was created for him. He trudged on through the forest until he reached a babbling brook. I mean seriously, the brook wouldn't shut the hell up. It talked down to Kyle.
"You won't defeat the Zombie King! He's much more powerful than thee! You are weak in comparison," it gurgled.
Kyle smirked at the brook. "I like a challenge," he said. Then Kyle punched the brook with the force of a thousand suns. The brook was hit so hard that it got AIDS! Kyle looked at the brook huddled over in pain, suffering from AIDS, and smiled. Kyle turned, and continued his journey. "King Zombie here I come!" he thought...

He trudged through the Dessert Desert, Insomniac Hollow, and the Fiery Ocean, finally landing him at the edge of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. He paused by the border to contemplate the epic battle he was about to incite. He paused by the border to think of his two hot chicks that he totally could have had but had murdered instead. He paused by the border to think of his long-dead family, victims of the honey-zombies. He paused by the border to take a leak.
Crossing the border, he felt a sudden pressure in his head. "A spell?!" he gasped.
"We know you are here, Kyle. We know where you are," said a voice from all around and within him.
"King Zombie! Get out of my brain!"
"Never. I am always with you Kyle. I live within the memory of your parents. I am part of you."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Kyle thrashed about like a kid with epilepsy watching anime while eating refined sugar. His insides burned and his skin crawled. Finally, after many moments of struggle, Kyle submitted to the darkness and passed out.

Kyle awoke many hours later in the dungeon of King Zombie's honey drenched lair. He has been in some awful dungeons before but this one was of the lowest quality he has ever seen...it had only two flat screens and basic cable. This enraged Kyle to no end. A zombie guard walked by and saw Kyle flipping out like crazy. The guard called for help but it was too late. Kyle took a bite out of the steel bars with his mighty jaws and broke free. The zombie panicked and reached for the nearest weapon but, again, the zombie was too late. Kyle folded him in half like a piece of paper. A horde of zombies rushed down into the dungeons and circled him. Kyle smiled. He will have their blood on his hands...flippers...wings...whatever! The zombies charged...

Kyle did a back-handspring into a back walkover-aerial into a back-layout and stuck landing not unlike an Olympic gymnast. The awed zombies paused in stupor allowing him to do a standing front tuck with his arms out like razors, maiming the two nearest him. They all tried to flee, now that they truly grasped the sheer amount of awesomeness they were facing, but Kyle had them in within his wrathy sights and none would escape alive. Or, undead-alive. You know what I mean.
Kung-fu films have not seen the virtuosity of his attacks. He pummeled in a way that words cannot comprehend, all to the rhythm of his own beating heart. Yes, his heart was the only driving force he could hear now. The heart that had loved his now-dead and -decaying family. The heart that had almost loved the hot chick and alien-hottie before he killed them. The heart that had outlasted so many enemies: unicorns, not-so-hot-aliens, chatty brooks…. So supremely focused, he punched straight through a zombie’s chest and pulled out its heart, cramming it down the dude’s throat and greedily watched it as it bled to death and suffocated at the same time. What a sweet kill.
Surrounded by corpses of corpses, Kyle stormed down the hall making quick work of any that dared to challenge him. Karate chop! Judo kick! Right hook! Roundhouse! Ball shot!
It was not long before the trail of bodies led him to King Zombie's chambers. This was it, Kyle knew. The battle to end the war.

Kyle walked into King Zombie's chambers with more confidence than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme combined. "So you finally arrived!" said King Zombie as he pet his flamingasaurus. "I've been waiting for you."
Kyle looked around the chamber and surveyed the soon-to-be battle zone. "I see you've added a pool table since the last time I kicked your ass," Kyle said as he crossed his flipper fin arms.
"That's not just a pool table...it's the pool table of doom!" yelled King Zombie and as if on cue, the pool table sprung to life and began firing pool balls at Kyle.
But this didn't surprise Kyle in the least. With a single glance, Kyle splintered the pool table into a million pieces. "Is that all you got? I expected more from the ruler of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows," said Kyle with a smirk.
King Zombie smiled. "The battle hasn't even begun...ATTACK!!!" yelled King Zombie. Suddenly, sexy female ninjas appeared out of a cloud of smoke that smelled like strawberries.
"THE SEXY NINJA BRIGADE?!" cried Kyle.
These were the most beautiful and deadly creatures in the world. The only person that has ever bested Kyle was one of the leaders of the brigade. His true love, his long lost love. He had much respect for the Sexy Ninja Brigade and did not wish to fight them. They closed in around him but Kyle remained still, his head hung in sadness as he remembered the times he spent with his sexy ninja beauty.
"ATTACK!" yelled King Zombie. Kyle was filled with so much unrelenting rage at this point that the windows in King Zombie's chamber melted and shattered at the same time. He glanced up and the Sexy Ninja Brigade froze in terror. Kyle looked right through them to King Zombie. He was his enemy, not these unbelievably sexy ninjas. King Zombie must die...again. Kyle launched himself like a rocket at King Zombie and landed a kick of such power that it turned King Zombie inside out. Candy spilled out of the corpse of King Zombie and landed at Kyle's feet.
"What's this?!" exclaimed Kyle. "A fraud?!" King Zombie pulled the old switcharoo, for this was one of King Zombie's servants from Piñata Isle.
Kyle knew where he must go. He looked back at the Sexy Ninja Brigade with a look of respect and of disappointment that they would accept a contract from the person responsible for the disappearance of his true love. And with that, he leapt out of a window. King Zombie will pay....

Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and tore across the countryside, letting the cool breeze dry his hot tears. He had not thought of Tabitha, the former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, in a long time and for good reason. He hated to cry; he hated to look like a pansy.
He knew that he had to track down King Zombie and give him the beating of a lifetime, but not before he had regained his cool. He toodled back into town and into the local grocery market, wearing oversized sunglasses to hide his red, bleary eyes. He picked up pre-made cookie dough, a six pack, and a copy of "The Notebook" on Blu-ray, since it was on special at the checkout. Back at his dump of an apartment, he popped in the movie, ate all of the raw cookie dough, and cried into his beer. Oh, "The Notebook". Oh, Ryan Gosling.
Drunk, full, and exhausted, Kyle passed out on his couch.

He dreamed the dreams of a champion, the dreams of a warrior, the dreams of a penguin who lost his one and only love. Tears trickled down his face. "Curse you, Notebook!" he thought. "Curse you..."
Kyle sensed a presence as he lay on his couch. The enticing smell of strawberries wafted into his mighty nostrils. He opened his eyes and assumed an attack position. He was surrounded by the Sexy Ninja Brigade. They all stepped forward and kneeled before him.
"We are sorry," they said in unison.
Latisha, the new leader in Tabitha's stead stepped forward. "We are truly sorry, great one. We were under some kind of spell and were forced to do the bidding of King Zombie," she said with the utmost sincerity. "It seems that King Zombie has enlisted the services of the WarLizard, Hydranus."
WarLizards were a fierce race of warlock lizards who fed on orphans and the sadness of warriors. Kyle was taken aback by this revelation and realized that it was his fault King Zombie has achieved so much power. With the help of the WarLizards fueled by Kyle's sadness and King Zombie's tenacity and spunky attitude, they form a force to be reckoned with. Kyle knew what must be done if he was going to defeat King Zombie. He must find his love, Tabitha to cure his sadness. The Sexy Ninja Brigade offered their assistance. Kyle motioned for the Sexy Ninja Brigade to stand up as he strolled to the door of apartment. "Let's go!" he said.

Just as Kyle, Latisha, and the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade were about to exit the apartment, an apartment-shaking boom sounded outside. They went to the window as a second boom echoed and saw a giant mech tromping through the city.
"Bwa ha ha ha! You have led me to you secret hideout, Kyle! Your end is nigh!" said an equally booming voice.
"Say whaaaaaaaaat?!" cried Kyle.
"A tracking device, you moron!" Latisha, with sexy-ninja-like speed turned Kyle upside down and shook him until everything loose fell to the floor. Among the gum wrappers, loose change, and condoms, a small device with a blinking red light was visible among the debris.
"Oh, snap," Kyle admitted in defeat.
"We will assassinate the giant robot. You find Tabitha," Latisha ordered, signaling the Sexy Ninja Brigade to move out. They leapt from the windows, demonstrating superior skill, strength, and sexiness. Superior even to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny.
"But I don't know where she is..." whined Kyle pitifully.
Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of a dozen pimps and held him by his possibly-nonexistent lapels. "Pull yourself together, you pussy. I'll never know what Tabitha saw in you, but I'll be damned if you go back to her like this."
Kyle attempted to man-up, but images of Tabitha's beautiful face, Ryan Gosling's beautiful face, and his face in a toilet bowl as his hangover began to kick in swam before him.
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"The Plains of Purple Rain. She was wearing a raspberry beret and driving a little red corvette. God, she looked so gorgeous. It could make doves cry...."
Latisha bitch-slapped him again. "Snap out of it! Focus on the matter at hand!"
"Right. Finding Tabitha."
"Right!" She bitch-slapped him a third time.

As she reached back to slap Kyle a fourth time, Kyle vanished like a box of donuts in a police department. Latisha stepped back and smiled. "Good luck."
All Kyle could see was darkness...but then he opened his eyes and the darkness was gone. Kyle was in the middle of the Marshmallow Meadows, the most dangerous of all meadows. He stood up and looked around. Why was he brought here, he thought. Suddenly, the ground began to crack underneath him. Kyle flipped backwards just as the hands of a dreaded werebadger reached out of the cracks to grab his powerful penguin legs. This was the reason Kyle was brought here. Werebadgers were clairvoyants but would only reveal the secrets of the past, present, and future if they are defeated. Kyle smiled. It was clearly on!

(TO BE CONTINUED...!)

"RED" update 2: revenge of the update

Yes, we're rebels and are still ignoring our predetermined updating schedule in the name of pitch-preparation. Here's our tentative cover for issue #1, should the suits like what we have to say:



Let us know what you think! And, as always, for more info on our [working title] "RED", just click the label below!

"RED" update!

Along the same lines as last week, in place of our regularly scheduled Genre Squad, we present another work in progress:

...It'll make more sense once we add the dialogue to the images. Until then, click on the Label link below for more info on "RED" [working title].

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POLL RESULTS!:
Which "Saving Eva" cover concept do you like best?

• Top left. (27%)
• Top right. (43%)
• Bottom left. (13%)
• Bottom right. (17%)
  
  

"Saving Eva" update!

Hello, Dear Readers! Again, we aim to disappoint and cannot follow our predetermined schedule this week due to deadline crunch time. We have some big pitch-meetings planned and are spending our time focusing on materials for that.

But fret not! This week we offer you a peek into our processes. "Saving Eva" needs a new cover concept and here's what Jeff's come up with.

Click on the "Labels" link below to see more on "Saving Eva". Let us know what you think!

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POLL RESULTS!:
Who's your favorite character so far (besides Kyle)?

• Waffle-Fueled Hell Beast. (30%)
• The Elder Breast. (17%)
• Flamingasaurus. (30%)
• Alien Hottie. (23%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
Which "Saving Eva" cover concept do you like best?

KYLE: The Penguin of Destiny

Hey everybody, unfortunately, there won't be a Genre Squad this week. Celeste actually came out to LA to visit for the long Labor Day weekend but because of this we've been spending all of our time catching up. But fear not dear reader, for we have an amazing surprise for you. This week we will be sharing part one of an amazing, epic tale that Celeste and I wrote. Originally, this story was written as a means to cure us of our boredom. We passed it back and forth, adding more and more to it. We never intended on it being anything but due to the reaction of some of our friends, we figured we would share it with the masses. I do find it necessary to warn you that it's slightly more vulgar than our normal posts...but we guarantee that it's hilarious. So prepare yourself for the journey of Kyle, the Penguin of Destiny.

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY

By Celeste Green and Jeffrey Thomas (the parts of the story written by Celeste are in Courier and the parts written by me are in Arial)

Once upon a time, in a land ravaged by darkness and waffled-fueled hell beasts, a lone hero arose. A hero that fought for what was right and was an avid coupon user...

Kyle, Penguin of Destiny, believed in the supreme economy of using coupons and impressed upon his fellow man to follow his example.

"Buy one get one half off!" he exclaimed to the uninterested passers-by. It was a hot summer's day and the sandwich board he was situated in was not easing his discomfort. “Damn that witch for cursing me with this minimum-wage summer job. I should be out patrolling the country-side, clashing with the waffle-fueled hell beasts, and rescuing hot chicks from imminent danger! I can't remember the last time I SAW a hot chick, let alone SAVE one! I mean, DAYUMN!"

And just then, as if the heavens had heard his cry of "I mean, DAYUMN!", the hottest chick in all the land joined the horde of uninterested passers-by.

Her hair was long and short at same time. Her eyes were a penetrating purple and her skin was milky white. But what caught Kyle's attention most about her, was her lack of legs. I mean, she was completely and utterly legless but in their stead was another set of arms, the most beautiful arms Kyle has ever seen. He waddled up to her filled with confidence, but it soon goes away the closer and closer he gets to her. She looked him up and down and then batted her long eyelashes.

"Hi," she said bashfully.

Kyle's confidence was restored. "Hey baby! Nice arms...let's dance!"

He pulled her body close to his and they looked deeply into each other's eyes, but then, a zombie covered in honey runs up to them and explodes. But Kyle has the reaction time of a cheetah with time traveling abilities. He dives out of the way with his new girl in his arms. Honey coated body parts fall around them but they're safe...or at least they were for the time being. For in the distance was an army of honey coated zombies being led by King Zombie who was wearing the royal garb of feathers and flowers riding a flamingasaurus, the most fearsome creature from the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Kyle knew what had to be done...

The waffle-fueled hell-beasts, once his sworn enemies, would now be his greatest ally. The honey-zombies frequently fell prey to their nemeses, the hell-beasts, and Kyle knew that his salvation now lie with them.

Dodging left and right, zigzagging through the sticky, clawing, penguin-hungry zombies, Kyle dragged the hot chick by one of her many hands toward the Breakfast Plains. Arriving at temporary safety he called the call of the hell-beasts: "GOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIIIING!"

At first there was no response and Kyle and the hot chick began to panic as the honey-zombies closed in on them oh...so...slowly. Just as the nearest was about to lunge for the hot chick's succulent bicep, hell-beasts tackled the encroaching zombies and devoured them viciously.

"Yum," they cried in a war chant. "Yum!"

Kyle and the hot chick were safe for the time being, as King Zombie called for his troops to retreat back the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows, but soon realized their immediate danger as only scraps of the honey-zombies were left. The hell-beasts slowly rounded on them.

"...Don't eat us!" said Kyle.

"And why shouldn't we," questioned the largest of the hell-beasts.

"Because...I mean, think about it: Do you really want to?"

The hell-beasts paused and began to hem and haw as they contemplated their reasoning. A diet of waffles and waffles alone had made them incapable of making a decision easily, constantly wavering back and forth on their thoughts.

"Well, they do look good," said one.

"Yes, but do we really need the calories? The honey-zombies are pretty rich," said another.

As the hell-beasts' wills wavered, Kyle and hot chick made a hasty escape.

"The way you run from all danger is totally turning me on," the hot chick said in a sultry voice. She pinched his penguin-tush and giggled.

"My, my, you're all hands, aren't you?" Kyle said coyly, trying his best to raise one eyebrow.

And just as they escaped to an abandoned alley, something totally unexpected and mildly incredible happened...!

...A wall opened up to the land of breasts. Breasts to the left, breasts to the right. "This must be heaven." Kyle thought.

Suddenly, one them began to speak, "Now isn't your time, chosen one. The world still needs you."

Kyle was sad, but the breast was right. The world still needed saving and he was the only penguin that could do it. Kyle turned to leave with his girl in his arms but was confronted by the elder breast. "There is another", it said before this place of happiness and jubblies faded away, leaving Kyle and his girl in the abandoned alley.

"There's another?!" the girl exclaimed. "Another what?!"

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out!" said Kyle. He pulls out his hover zebra that he keeps stashed in his secret compartment. "Let's ride!" He grabbed his girl and blasts off into the stratosphere. Evil shall know defeat; it shall know fear...KYLE IS ON THE CASE...

In the stratosphere, a low-flying alien convertible aircraft zoomed by, leaving Kyle with the image of an alien hottie blowing a kiss at him. "Forget this bitch," he exclaimed, pushing the handsy-hot chick off of his hover-zebra. She screeched as she plummeted to her death, but Kyle cares not: There's an alien hottie to be had! He's so going to get laid tonight!

He followed the convertible's trajectory and can feel sweet, sweet sin within his grasp. "Hey, baby, are you an alien?! 'Cause that ass is out of this world," he yelled ahead of him, praying that the wind will carry his smooth line to her huge ears. It does and she giggled as she looked over her shoulder at him. She winked and sped off around a cloud.

"Oh, it's on!" he rejoiced as he turned on his hover-zebra blinker to follow. Safety first. Even in the most desperate of times--and these were desperate because he hadn't had a good giggity in a long time--safety first.

He reeled around the cloud at top speed and crashed immediately into a net. A trap?! But yes, a trap. The sweet alien-hottie pulled a fast one on him. A ton of smaller, not-so-hot aliens tied him up and carried him across the clouds.

Luckily, Kyle was the most ingenious penguin of all time. While the not-so-hot aliens dragged him across the clouds, Kyle fashioned a knife out of a nearby cumulous nimbus and cut the net. The not-so-hot aliens were flabbergasted at this mighty warrior's resourcefulness. They ran and circled Kyle but they were no match for his mastery of the penguin arts. He thwarted the not-so-hot aliens as if they were a bowl of cereal. The alien-babe-from-beyond-the-stars’ heart melted at the sight of Kyle fighting for his life, fighting for existence, fighting for humanity. After all of the not-so-hot aliens had been disposed of, the alien of hotness from a galaxy far, far away ran up to Kyle, wrapped her arms around Earth's champion, pulling him close to her extraterrestrial bosoms.

"I love you, Kyle! I always have," she said.

Kyle looked deep into her eyes and her into his...and then he snaps her neck. "Sorry babe. My only true love is Earth...and hot babes who don't try and kill me!" he says as her body falls limp.

Kyle bends over and inspects the aliens beautiful body. He weeps a thousand weeps for this hot babe wanted him and him, her. But he did what needed to be done...he takes her wallet and jumps off the cloud and plummets into the atmosphere. The Earth still needed him...

Pulling a parachute from his alternative-plane-pocket, he landed safely on the ground looking all badass and shit. Surveying his surroundings, he saw that he landed on Candy Mountain.

"Fuck," he exclaimed, "motherfucking Candy Mountain?!"

"Charrrr--I mean, Kyyyyyyyyyyyyylllllllle!" cried two hyper unicorns.

"Oh, hell no!" Kyle responded. He leapt at them, snapping a horn off of one and stabbing the other with it. He drank the blood of the fallen unicorn and felt strength bubbling within him. He then killed the horn-less unicorn with a single punch to the chest. Covered in blood and death, he spit on the corpses and began to trudge east, back to the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Back to King Zombie. Back to his destiny.

TO BE CONTINUED