Monday, September 7, 2009

KYLE: The Penguin of Destiny

Hey everybody, unfortunately, there won't be a Genre Squad this week. Celeste actually came out to LA to visit for the long Labor Day weekend but because of this we've been spending all of our time catching up. But fear not dear reader, for we have an amazing surprise for you. This week we will be sharing part one of an amazing, epic tale that Celeste and I wrote. Originally, this story was written as a means to cure us of our boredom. We passed it back and forth, adding more and more to it. We never intended on it being anything but due to the reaction of some of our friends, we figured we would share it with the masses. I do find it necessary to warn you that it's slightly more vulgar than our normal posts...but we guarantee that it's hilarious. So prepare yourself for the journey of Kyle, the Penguin of Destiny.



KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY

By Celeste Green and Jeffrey Thomas (the parts of the story written by Celeste are in Courier and the parts written by me are in Arial)

Once upon a time, in a land ravaged by darkness and waffled-fueled hell beasts, a lone hero arose. A hero that fought for what was right and was an avid coupon user...

Kyle, Penguin of Destiny, believed in the supreme economy of using coupons and impressed upon his fellow man to follow his example.

"Buy one get one half off!" he exclaimed to the uninterested passers-by. It was a hot summer's day and the sandwich board he was situated in was not easing his discomfort. “Damn that witch for cursing me with this minimum-wage summer job. I should be out patrolling the country-side, clashing with the waffle-fueled hell beasts, and rescuing hot chicks from imminent danger! I can't remember the last time I SAW a hot chick, let alone SAVE one! I mean, DAYUMN!"

And just then, as if the heavens had heard his cry of "I mean, DAYUMN!", the hottest chick in all the land joined the horde of uninterested passers-by.

Her hair was long and short at same time. Her eyes were a penetrating purple and her skin was milky white. But what caught Kyle's attention most about her, was her lack of legs. I mean, she was completely and utterly legless but in their stead was another set of arms, the most beautiful arms Kyle has ever seen. He waddled up to her filled with confidence, but it soon goes away the closer and closer he gets to her. She looked him up and down and then batted her long eyelashes.

"Hi," she said bashfully.

Kyle's confidence was restored. "Hey baby! Nice arms...let's dance!"

He pulled her body close to his and they looked deeply into each other's eyes, but then, a zombie covered in honey runs up to them and explodes. But Kyle has the reaction time of a cheetah with time traveling abilities. He dives out of the way with his new girl in his arms. Honey coated body parts fall around them but they're safe...or at least they were for the time being. For in the distance was an army of honey coated zombies being led by King Zombie who was wearing the royal garb of feathers and flowers riding a flamingasaurus, the most fearsome creature from the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Kyle knew what had to be done...

The waffle-fueled hell-beasts, once his sworn enemies, would now be his greatest ally. The honey-zombies frequently fell prey to their nemeses, the hell-beasts, and Kyle knew that his salvation now lie with them.

Dodging left and right, zigzagging through the sticky, clawing, penguin-hungry zombies, Kyle dragged the hot chick by one of her many hands toward the Breakfast Plains. Arriving at temporary safety he called the call of the hell-beasts: "GOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIIIING!"

At first there was no response and Kyle and the hot chick began to panic as the honey-zombies closed in on them oh...so...slowly. Just as the nearest was about to lunge for the hot chick's succulent bicep, hell-beasts tackled the encroaching zombies and devoured them viciously.

"Yum," they cried in a war chant. "Yum!"

Kyle and the hot chick were safe for the time being, as King Zombie called for his troops to retreat back the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows, but soon realized their immediate danger as only scraps of the honey-zombies were left. The hell-beasts slowly rounded on them.

"...Don't eat us!" said Kyle.

"And why shouldn't we," questioned the largest of the hell-beasts.

"Because...I mean, think about it: Do you really want to?"

The hell-beasts paused and began to hem and haw as they contemplated their reasoning. A diet of waffles and waffles alone had made them incapable of making a decision easily, constantly wavering back and forth on their thoughts.

"Well, they do look good," said one.

"Yes, but do we really need the calories? The honey-zombies are pretty rich," said another.

As the hell-beasts' wills wavered, Kyle and hot chick made a hasty escape.

"The way you run from all danger is totally turning me on," the hot chick said in a sultry voice. She pinched his penguin-tush and giggled.

"My, my, you're all hands, aren't you?" Kyle said coyly, trying his best to raise one eyebrow.

And just as they escaped to an abandoned alley, something totally unexpected and mildly incredible happened...!

...A wall opened up to the land of breasts. Breasts to the left, breasts to the right. "This must be heaven." Kyle thought.

Suddenly, one them began to speak, "Now isn't your time, chosen one. The world still needs you."

Kyle was sad, but the breast was right. The world still needed saving and he was the only penguin that could do it. Kyle turned to leave with his girl in his arms but was confronted by the elder breast. "There is another", it said before this place of happiness and jubblies faded away, leaving Kyle and his girl in the abandoned alley.

"There's another?!" the girl exclaimed. "Another what?!"

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out!" said Kyle. He pulls out his hover zebra that he keeps stashed in his secret compartment. "Let's ride!" He grabbed his girl and blasts off into the stratosphere. Evil shall know defeat; it shall know fear...KYLE IS ON THE CASE...

In the stratosphere, a low-flying alien convertible aircraft zoomed by, leaving Kyle with the image of an alien hottie blowing a kiss at him. "Forget this bitch," he exclaimed, pushing the handsy-hot chick off of his hover-zebra. She screeched as she plummeted to her death, but Kyle cares not: There's an alien hottie to be had! He's so going to get laid tonight!

He followed the convertible's trajectory and can feel sweet, sweet sin within his grasp. "Hey, baby, are you an alien?! 'Cause that ass is out of this world," he yelled ahead of him, praying that the wind will carry his smooth line to her huge ears. It does and she giggled as she looked over her shoulder at him. She winked and sped off around a cloud.

"Oh, it's on!" he rejoiced as he turned on his hover-zebra blinker to follow. Safety first. Even in the most desperate of times--and these were desperate because he hadn't had a good giggity in a long time--safety first.

He reeled around the cloud at top speed and crashed immediately into a net. A trap?! But yes, a trap. The sweet alien-hottie pulled a fast one on him. A ton of smaller, not-so-hot aliens tied him up and carried him across the clouds.

Luckily, Kyle was the most ingenious penguin of all time. While the not-so-hot aliens dragged him across the clouds, Kyle fashioned a knife out of a nearby cumulous nimbus and cut the net. The not-so-hot aliens were flabbergasted at this mighty warrior's resourcefulness. They ran and circled Kyle but they were no match for his mastery of the penguin arts. He thwarted the not-so-hot aliens as if they were a bowl of cereal. The alien-babe-from-beyond-the-stars’ heart melted at the sight of Kyle fighting for his life, fighting for existence, fighting for humanity. After all of the not-so-hot aliens had been disposed of, the alien of hotness from a galaxy far, far away ran up to Kyle, wrapped her arms around Earth's champion, pulling him close to her extraterrestrial bosoms.

"I love you, Kyle! I always have," she said.

Kyle looked deep into her eyes and her into his...and then he snaps her neck. "Sorry babe. My only true love is Earth...and hot babes who don't try and kill me!" he says as her body falls limp.

Kyle bends over and inspects the aliens beautiful body. He weeps a thousand weeps for this hot babe wanted him and him, her. But he did what needed to be done...he takes her wallet and jumps off the cloud and plummets into the atmosphere. The Earth still needed him...


Pulling a parachute from his alternative-plane-pocket, he landed safely on the ground looking all badass and shit. Surveying his surroundings, he saw that he landed on Candy Mountain.

"Fuck," he exclaimed, "motherfucking Candy Mountain?!"

"Charrrr--I mean, Kyyyyyyyyyyyyylllllllle!" cried two hyper unicorns.

"Oh, hell no!" Kyle responded. He leapt at them, snapping a horn off of one and stabbing the other with it. He drank the blood of the fallen unicorn and felt strength bubbling within him. He then killed the horn-less unicorn with a single punch to the chest. Covered in blood and death, he spit on the corpses and began to trudge east, back to the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Back to King Zombie. Back to his destiny.


TO BE CONTINUED






2 comments:

Sarah said...

that was the best mad libs ever.

13xdreams said...

That. Was. Pure Epic WIN!!!