Monday, October 5, 2009

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 2!)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Genre Squad to bring you Part 2 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Part 1, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle wandered through the dark woods. Any other creature would have been desperately lost...but not Kyle. He's like a God with a built-in GPS. It was almost as if he created the universe or it was created for him. He trudged on through the forest until he reached a babbling brook. I mean seriously, the brook wouldn't shut the hell up. It talked down to Kyle.
"You won't defeat the Zombie King! He's much more powerful than thee! You are weak in comparison," it gurgled.
Kyle smirked at the brook. "I like a challenge," he said. Then Kyle punched the brook with the force of a thousand suns. The brook was hit so hard that it got AIDS! Kyle looked at the brook huddled over in pain, suffering from AIDS, and smiled. Kyle turned, and continued his journey. "King Zombie here I come!" he thought...

He trudged through the Dessert Desert, Insomniac Hollow, and the Fiery Ocean, finally landing him at the edge of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. He paused by the border to contemplate the epic battle he was about to incite. He paused by the border to think of his two hot chicks that he totally could have had but had murdered instead. He paused by the border to think of his long-dead family, victims of the honey-zombies. He paused by the border to take a leak.
Crossing the border, he felt a sudden pressure in his head. "A spell?!" he gasped.
"We know you are here, Kyle. We know where you are," said a voice from all around and within him.
"King Zombie! Get out of my brain!"
"Never. I am always with you Kyle. I live within the memory of your parents. I am part of you."
Kyle thrashed about like a kid with epilepsy watching anime while eating refined sugar. His insides burned and his skin crawled. Finally, after many moments of struggle, Kyle submitted to the darkness and passed out.

Kyle awoke many hours later in the dungeon of King Zombie's honey drenched lair. He has been in some awful dungeons before but this one was of the lowest quality he has ever had only two flat screens and basic cable. This enraged Kyle to no end. A zombie guard walked by and saw Kyle flipping out like crazy. The guard called for help but it was too late. Kyle took a bite out of the steel bars with his mighty jaws and broke free. The zombie panicked and reached for the nearest weapon but, again, the zombie was too late. Kyle folded him in half like a piece of paper. A horde of zombies rushed down into the dungeons and circled him. Kyle smiled. He will have their blood on his hands...flippers...wings...whatever! The zombies charged...

Kyle did a back-handspring into a back walkover-aerial into a back-layout and stuck landing not unlike an Olympic gymnast. The awed zombies paused in stupor allowing him to do a standing front tuck with his arms out like razors, maiming the two nearest him. They all tried to flee, now that they truly grasped the sheer amount of awesomeness they were facing, but Kyle had them in within his wrathy sights and none would escape alive. Or, undead-alive. You know what I mean.
Kung-fu films have not seen the virtuosity of his attacks. He pummeled in a way that words cannot comprehend, all to the rhythm of his own beating heart. Yes, his heart was the only driving force he could hear now. The heart that had loved his now-dead and -decaying family. The heart that had almost loved the hot chick and alien-hottie before he killed them. The heart that had outlasted so many enemies: unicorns, not-so-hot-aliens, chatty brooks…. So supremely focused, he punched straight through a zombie’s chest and pulled out its heart, cramming it down the dude’s throat and greedily watched it as it bled to death and suffocated at the same time. What a sweet kill.
Surrounded by corpses of corpses, Kyle stormed down the hall making quick work of any that dared to challenge him. Karate chop! Judo kick! Right hook! Roundhouse! Ball shot!
It was not long before the trail of bodies led him to King Zombie's chambers. This was it, Kyle knew. The battle to end the war.

Kyle walked into King Zombie's chambers with more confidence than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme combined. "So you finally arrived!" said King Zombie as he pet his flamingasaurus. "I've been waiting for you."
Kyle looked around the chamber and surveyed the soon-to-be battle zone. "I see you've added a pool table since the last time I kicked your ass," Kyle said as he crossed his flipper fin arms.
"That's not just a pool's the pool table of doom!" yelled King Zombie and as if on cue, the pool table sprung to life and began firing pool balls at Kyle.
But this didn't surprise Kyle in the least. With a single glance, Kyle splintered the pool table into a million pieces. "Is that all you got? I expected more from the ruler of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows," said Kyle with a smirk.
King Zombie smiled. "The battle hasn't even begun...ATTACK!!!" yelled King Zombie. Suddenly, sexy female ninjas appeared out of a cloud of smoke that smelled like strawberries.
These were the most beautiful and deadly creatures in the world. The only person that has ever bested Kyle was one of the leaders of the brigade. His true love, his long lost love. He had much respect for the Sexy Ninja Brigade and did not wish to fight them. They closed in around him but Kyle remained still, his head hung in sadness as he remembered the times he spent with his sexy ninja beauty.
"ATTACK!" yelled King Zombie. Kyle was filled with so much unrelenting rage at this point that the windows in King Zombie's chamber melted and shattered at the same time. He glanced up and the Sexy Ninja Brigade froze in terror. Kyle looked right through them to King Zombie. He was his enemy, not these unbelievably sexy ninjas. King Zombie must die...again. Kyle launched himself like a rocket at King Zombie and landed a kick of such power that it turned King Zombie inside out. Candy spilled out of the corpse of King Zombie and landed at Kyle's feet.
"What's this?!" exclaimed Kyle. "A fraud?!" King Zombie pulled the old switcharoo, for this was one of King Zombie's servants from PiƱata Isle.
Kyle knew where he must go. He looked back at the Sexy Ninja Brigade with a look of respect and of disappointment that they would accept a contract from the person responsible for the disappearance of his true love. And with that, he leapt out of a window. King Zombie will pay....

Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and tore across the countryside, letting the cool breeze dry his hot tears. He had not thought of Tabitha, the former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, in a long time and for good reason. He hated to cry; he hated to look like a pansy.
He knew that he had to track down King Zombie and give him the beating of a lifetime, but not before he had regained his cool. He toodled back into town and into the local grocery market, wearing oversized sunglasses to hide his red, bleary eyes. He picked up pre-made cookie dough, a six pack, and a copy of "The Notebook" on Blu-ray, since it was on special at the checkout. Back at his dump of an apartment, he popped in the movie, ate all of the raw cookie dough, and cried into his beer. Oh, "The Notebook". Oh, Ryan Gosling.
Drunk, full, and exhausted, Kyle passed out on his couch.

He dreamed the dreams of a champion, the dreams of a warrior, the dreams of a penguin who lost his one and only love. Tears trickled down his face. "Curse you, Notebook!" he thought. "Curse you..."
Kyle sensed a presence as he lay on his couch. The enticing smell of strawberries wafted into his mighty nostrils. He opened his eyes and assumed an attack position. He was surrounded by the Sexy Ninja Brigade. They all stepped forward and kneeled before him.
"We are sorry," they said in unison.
Latisha, the new leader in Tabitha's stead stepped forward. "We are truly sorry, great one. We were under some kind of spell and were forced to do the bidding of King Zombie," she said with the utmost sincerity. "It seems that King Zombie has enlisted the services of the WarLizard, Hydranus."
WarLizards were a fierce race of warlock lizards who fed on orphans and the sadness of warriors. Kyle was taken aback by this revelation and realized that it was his fault King Zombie has achieved so much power. With the help of the WarLizards fueled by Kyle's sadness and King Zombie's tenacity and spunky attitude, they form a force to be reckoned with. Kyle knew what must be done if he was going to defeat King Zombie. He must find his love, Tabitha to cure his sadness. The Sexy Ninja Brigade offered their assistance. Kyle motioned for the Sexy Ninja Brigade to stand up as he strolled to the door of apartment. "Let's go!" he said.

Just as Kyle, Latisha, and the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade were about to exit the apartment, an apartment-shaking boom sounded outside. They went to the window as a second boom echoed and saw a giant mech tromping through the city.
"Bwa ha ha ha! You have led me to you secret hideout, Kyle! Your end is nigh!" said an equally booming voice.
"Say whaaaaaaaaat?!" cried Kyle.
"A tracking device, you moron!" Latisha, with sexy-ninja-like speed turned Kyle upside down and shook him until everything loose fell to the floor. Among the gum wrappers, loose change, and condoms, a small device with a blinking red light was visible among the debris.
"Oh, snap," Kyle admitted in defeat.
"We will assassinate the giant robot. You find Tabitha," Latisha ordered, signaling the Sexy Ninja Brigade to move out. They leapt from the windows, demonstrating superior skill, strength, and sexiness. Superior even to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny.
"But I don't know where she is..." whined Kyle pitifully.
Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of a dozen pimps and held him by his possibly-nonexistent lapels. "Pull yourself together, you pussy. I'll never know what Tabitha saw in you, but I'll be damned if you go back to her like this."
Kyle attempted to man-up, but images of Tabitha's beautiful face, Ryan Gosling's beautiful face, and his face in a toilet bowl as his hangover began to kick in swam before him.
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"The Plains of Purple Rain. She was wearing a raspberry beret and driving a little red corvette. God, she looked so gorgeous. It could make doves cry...."
Latisha bitch-slapped him again. "Snap out of it! Focus on the matter at hand!"
"Right. Finding Tabitha."
"Right!" She bitch-slapped him a third time.

As she reached back to slap Kyle a fourth time, Kyle vanished like a box of donuts in a police department. Latisha stepped back and smiled. "Good luck."
All Kyle could see was darkness...but then he opened his eyes and the darkness was gone. Kyle was in the middle of the Marshmallow Meadows, the most dangerous of all meadows. He stood up and looked around. Why was he brought here, he thought. Suddenly, the ground began to crack underneath him. Kyle flipped backwards just as the hands of a dreaded werebadger reached out of the cracks to grab his powerful penguin legs. This was the reason Kyle was brought here. Werebadgers were clairvoyants but would only reveal the secrets of the past, present, and future if they are defeated. Kyle smiled. It was clearly on!


1 comment:

drawsumthincool said...

You guys are awesome, keep up the great work!