Monday, November 9, 2009

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 3!)

And now for a change of pace, may we present you with Part 3 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Parts 1 & 2, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

The werebadger clawed at the dirt as it pulled itself from the bowels of the land. Smoke curled from its flaring nostrils. Its teeth glinted in the moonlight of this otherworldly dimension, as ravenous foam dripped from its mouth. Its glowing red eyes could pierce one's very soul. But Kyle was not fazed.

"...Paulo?" he wondered aloud as the werebadger was no longer in shadow.

The creature, once menacing and certainly life-threatening, straightened, wiped the foam from his mouth, and gave a big, toothy grin. "Kyle! Buddy! It's been forever!"

The two embraced in one of those one-armed machismo hug/handshakes.

"How the hell you've been," continued Paulo the werebadger.

"Alright, alright. Actually mid-quest right now. How about you?"

"Can't complain. Roberta's just had another litter. A lot of little mouths to feed, nowadays."

"Jesus, how many kids does that make?"

"I stopped counting after 27. So, you're on a quest, huh? Whatchya after?"

"King Zombie's at it again and I need to stop him before he conquers the land. Same shit, different day."

"I hear ya. So what brings you 'round these parts, stranger?"

"Actually, I'm looking for Tabitha--"

"Tabitha?! Wow, really? I didn't think that you'd want to see her again after--"

"Don't bring it up…"

"--she kicked your ass in that tournament."

"SHE DID NOT KICK MY ASS! I...I let her win! You know, I was trying to be all gentleman-like."

"Wow, you're still sore over that? You're one of the worst losers ever, Kyle."

"I am not a bad loser! ...She cheated! S-she must have cheated somehow!"

"No, she didn't, Kyle. She's just the better fighter, that's all."

"Impossible! I'm freakin' Kyle! The motherfucking Penguin of Destiny!"

"Yeah, and she's Tabitha. Former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade. Still-reigning Champion of the Universal Fighting League--"

"I did NOT come here for this," whined Kyle as he began stomping off in the opposite direction.

"Aw c'mon, man. Cool it. You're on a quest; let's get to the quest thing. What do you need?"

"I don't want it now!"

"Quit being a baby."

"I'm not being a baby!"

"You're being awfully emotional."

"No I'm not!" Kyle cried, wiping his tears away.

"...Did you watch 'The Notebook' again?"


"Aw, dude," declared Paulo, throwing his paws in the air. "How many times do we have to take that movie away from you?!"

"B-but...Ryan Gosling--"

"Don't even go there!"

For a few moments, Kyle continued his infantile temper tantrum inwardly and blubbering outwardly, while Paulo patiently waited for Kyle’s fuming to simmer.

"...I need to find Tabitha," Kyle finally admitted.

"Easier said than done, man. You're gonna need some serious werebadger-power to find that chick."

"Why do you think I came here?"

"You know, I've been thinking about that. You never come to visit. You only call when you need something. It's getting old, dude."

"I'm busy! I'm saving the world and crap!"

"And I'm not busy?! I'm constantly fighting back people looking to use me for my clairvoyance, I'm trying to keep more than 27 kids fed, and I’m trying to keep Roberta HAPPY.... Do you know how hard that is? Her hormones are completely out of whack since having all of those kids. It really strains a werebadger, you know?" Paulo began to silently cry.

"I'm sorry, man," Kyle began to comfort, but Paulo just pushed him away.

"Don't, dude. Don't even pretend to care."

"But I do! I've been a complete dick lately!"

"Yeah, you have...but I get it. You've had a lot on your plate."

"And so have you."

"...Wanna get a beer?"

"I would love to, Paulo. I would love to."

They strolled downtown and into Paulo's favorite haunt. Situating themselves at the bar, Paulo ordered two Killian's. Irish red was his favorite and this place kept it in stock just for him.

“So, how’s Tabitha?” said Paulo as he took a sip of his Killian’s.
“I told you she’s missing! That’s why I’m here!” yelled Kyle.
“Oh yeah…sorry, mate. This ol’ werebadger may be getting a little senile. Damn kids are driving me insane. I love em’ though…except little Billy. That little bastard’s plotting something. I just know it.”
Kyle sighed and put his head in his hands…flippers. “I need to find her.” he said, barely audible in the bustling pub.
“Well, have you gone to her house in Honey Hollow?” asked Paulo as he continued his adventure into the world of Killian’s liquid refreshment.
Kyle looked up at Paulo. “What the hell are you talking about?!” screeched Kyle.
“Oh, you didn’t know? She has a nice little ninja cottage in Honey Hollow. I thought everybody knew that.”
Kyle jumped up from his bar stool. “I didn’t! Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?! You said I needed some crazy werebadger power!”
“Oh yeah…well technically you need crazy werebadger power or some form of transportation to get there…it’s pretty far from here.”
Kyle glared at Paulo. At that moment he hated every inch of this mystical creature. ‘I wish his insides would be become outsides,’ he thought. But Kyle was a saint and loved his friends no matter how stupid or senile they may be and immediately took back his wish, insides make better insides than outsides. Kyle sighed. “I have to go see her,” he said.
“Well, then be off. Good luck, my friend. May you find her swiftly.”

Kyle nodded and dashed out of the pub. He ran down the street and in an extremely swift and magical looking motion, whipped out his hover zebra and took off into the night sky. “Here I come, Honey Hollow…here I come, Tabitha,” he said to himself.

Kyle tore through the night sky; his heart and mind racing just as fast as his hover-zebra. Why had Paulo's tone of voice changed so much after he got his beer? What was Tabitha doing in Honey Hollow? How long had she been there? Did she think of him as often as he pined for her? ...What if she didn't? What if she forgot about him?! How was his breath? Did he look good--what was he wearing right now?! Aw crap, this was not the outfit she was supposed to see him in for their great reunion. He had a pinstripe number picked out.... He was going to see her hunched over a gin and tonic at the bar, looking frazzled, sad, and clearly depressed over losing him.... From the hallway, a spot light on the vacant stool next to her would cue his entrance. He would saunter in, pretend to not notice her, and order a shot of whiskey from the barkeep. The barkeep would nod appreciatively for he is obviously a bad ass for having ordered as such.

"K-Kyle?" Tabitha would ask weakly.

"Yeah," he would say in a deep, husky voice. "Oh. Tabitha. I didn't see you there."

"You look good," she would continue, shrinking some in shame.

"Yeah, I've been working out. Been competing in a lot of championships. Getting a lot of titles from all of the winning I've been doing."

"Oh...." She would wince at this. His ridiculously cool and casual nature was overbearing, but also a huge turn on. Her heart would betray her; she would fall for him! She would turn away in anguish. 'No,' she would think. 'No, I cannot bear to love so fiercely again! I cannot trust myself when it comes to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny! Not after all of the agony I went through! I cannot--help but love him. He is everything. He is light and he is breath and he is gravity. He is my world....'

Then the bartender would ante up and Kyle would down the burning, gangsta liquid in one unemotional gulp. He would stand and fix his fedora. "It's been swell, toots. See ya around." He would begin to walk away, but after exactly 4.3 steps, Tabitha would throw herself at him begging for forgiveness. He would hold her up, supporting her while remaining painfully aloof, until she finally burst into tears. Then, he would lift her face toward his, brush away the tears with his the back of his hand--I mean, back of his flipper--and kiss her gently. The music would swell, the camera would dolly back and zoom out simultaneously, and the credits would begin to roll….


Daydreaming, Kyle did not avoid flying straight into a tall tree, which, quite literally, sent him crashing back into reality. He fell through the branches ungracefully and landed on the ground with a sickening thud. By the good graces of whatever omnipotent force is out there, the hover-zebra missed crushing him by mere inches. He stood shakily, groaning and cursing with each effort, and began to survey his surroundings: He had made it! He was in Honey Hollow!

But just as he made this realization, a kick focused on the spot between his shoulder blades with the force of a cocaine-crazed mama kangaroo protecting its sickly, drug-dependant young sent him careening to the ground again. He knew this kick. He knew this attack strategy. He knew he needn’t look any further.

"Tabitha?" he wheezed as he turned to face his attacker.

The ultra sexy female silhouette stepped out of the trees' shadows and into a patch of moonlight. "Oh," Tabitha said in a voice dripping with disappointment and with a face to match. "Kyle. It's you."

Kyle stood up slowly. Oh, how he had missed Tabitha but her reaction to his presence was like a rocket powered spear to his heart. "Tabitha..." he said feebly, as if all of his insides have turned into jello pudding, y'see Theo.
"What are you doing here?" she asked with a disgusted tone.
"I came looking for you, baby." Kyle said as he rose to his feet.
"Don't ‘baby’ me, Kyle the Insensitive Penguin of Ass-Hole-opolis! You shouldn't have come here!"
"But Tabitha, I told you that I was only flirting with those 30 flight attendants in order to find the location of the crystal skull before 50 Cent and Indiana Jones did!"
"Sweet, sweet lies!" said Tabitha as she turned around, crossing her arms.
Kyle waddled up to her with the stride of a warrior defeated by heartache. He reached into his secret compartment and produced a ring, donning the crystal skull he collected on his previous adventure. "I needed the crystal skull for this..." he said as he presented her the ring. She turned and looked at it and almost collapsed at the sight of it. "I love you Tabitha. I always have." Kyle slid the ring on her finger and Tabitha started to weep a frenzy of weeps. A smile grew on her tear soaked face. Her eyes met his. They peered deep into each other's souls, deep into their being, knowing that this was meant to be. They inched closer. Kyle has longed for this moment, to feel the sweet gentle touch of Tabitha's lips pressed against his powerful penguin beak. They inched even closer. But before the joining of these two powerful and bodacious beings could be completed, a horde of WarLizards jumped out and surrounded them.
"Why does everything in this fucking world travel in hordes?!" yelled Kyle.
The shit has just hit the fan!

Tabitha didn’t miss a beat, instantly breaking her gaze with Kyle and then some WarLizard’s jaw with her fist. She moved in a fluid, lethal way, having kept up her Sexy Ninja Brigade training while no longer employed by them. She took out 3 WarLizards while Kyle watched dreamily, admiring her form, her strength, and her powerful thighs. But as Kyle was imagining what else those thighs could do, the captain of the WarLizard horde stealthily snuck behind Kyle and grabbed him by this throat.
“Gyah—!” choked Kyle.
“Ceassssse, Tabitha! Should you want the penguin to live,” hissed the captain of the WarLizard horde.
Tabitha stopped mid-bicycle kick and spun toward them. “Let him go, Xonox! He isn’t part of the deal!”
“Issssssn’t he? You guaranteed usssss an unrivaled sssssupply of missssery. Hisss sssssudden joy and your inexplicable change of heart hasss weakened my massster. Our deal hasss been broken.”
“What the hell—,” Kyle began, but Xonox’s grip tightened.
“Quiet, penguin. You know not what you encounter here. Now, Tabitha, you know what you mussssst do,” said Xonox in a sing-song voice.
Enraged, Tabitha rounded on the nearest WarLizard and punched its face in with her left hand, shattering crystal skull ring accidentally.
“Oh shit,” sputtered Kyle.
A faint glow emanated around Tabitha and then flickered into nothingness. She blinked several times and a slow look of realization, disappointment, and then anger crossed her face.
“A sssspell,” cried Xonox. “The penguin fooled you! The very one you made a deal with usssss to protect! This irony issss delicioussss.”

Kyle had had the ring cursed to ensure that Tabitha would forgive him for all of his many, many flaws despite her superior intellect and infallible judgment. The witch, the same witch that had cursed him with the minimum-wage summer job when he short changed her in payment for her ring-cursing services, had promised him that the spell should last as long as the ring. Kyle assumed this meant forever, but had clearly overestimated the craftsmanship of the ri ng.

‘Goddamn discount witch doctor with his goddamn shoddy work,’ he thought. ‘I KNEW I should have splurged for the Fair Trade Certified tribesmen!’ Now that the spell had been broken and, worse yet, Tabitha was aware that there even was a spell, Kyle knew he was in for world of hurt. Game over, man. Game over.

She turned to him and walked toward him at a menacingly slow pace. Each footstep echoing the stabs of fear, dread, and melancholy that Kyle was experiencing. She had no words for the absolute thoroughness of her anger. Xonox, feeding off of the delectable negative emotions in the air, grinned hideously and wisely let Kyle go. Kyle fell to the ground and meekly looked up at Tabitha as she closed in on him.

“Tabby, babe, you understand,” he simpered. “I know you understand. It’s ‘cause I love you so much! I...I RESPECT you so much! Y-you know I do, baby. You know that I--ack!”

As he curled into the fetal position, she took off the ring and threw it at him. She turned to Xonox and quietly said, “Let’s go.”

“Gladly,” smiled Xonox as he began to conjure a portal. A loud tearing sounded and the space before him opened into a dark, swirling lack of existence. “Ladiessss firsssst.”

Tabitha walked to the portal and looked back at Kyle one last time. If looks could kill, Kyle would have died a thousand deaths. All very painful deaths: being drawn-and-quartered, being tossed into a volcano, being hurtled into deep space, being submitted to an endless string of public schoolchildren’s talent shows….

She opened her mouth to speak, but finding no words, just shook her head at him. She stepped through the portal. The WarLizards followed. The tear in time and space repaired itself. She was gone.

Kyle looked up and began to cry the tears of a defeated hero. He could feel the WarLizards become stronger from his sadness. He had failed. Why wasn't he honest with Tabitha? Why did he resort to trickery? Why is he such a little bitch? So many questions concerning his bitchdom rushed into his head. Everything was going swimmingly until he gave her the ring. Kyle looked down at it, half submerged in the dirt. He picked it up and glared at it. His anger and frustration peaked. He was filled with such heartache and rage that he crushed the ring with his powerful penguin hands...I mean, flippers. The ring turned into a green smoke and began to swirl around him. Suddenly, the smoke became still, and then rushed into Kyle's body. He dropped to his knees as he felt the smoke coursing through every fiber of his being. What is this feeling? He felt as if he was surging with unrelenting power...more power. He had the urge to kill, to destroy, to shop at Pay-Less. This power filled Kyle with some joy in this dark time. As Kyle was going through this magnificent change, a few remaining WarLizards came out of the forest, riding fearsome platysauruses. They were vicious, large creatures. They looked like a mutated stegosaurus had sex with a platypus that had spilled McDonald's coffee on its lap. Unfortunately for Kyle, these things didn't feed on plant life--that's bitch food! These things thrived on blood and destruction and, of course, orphans. Kyle noticed the encroaching danger and a smile crossed his face. It looks like he found the cure for his sudden blood lust. He was sure he could get one of these WarLizards to tell him where Tabitha may have gone...and he was going to have fun doing it.
The WarLizards let out a screeching cry and the platysauruses charged...


1 comment:

cbunce44 said...

Haha, that was awesome!