Monday, March 29, 2010

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 6!)

For your viewing pleasure, a new Kyle poster:

For your reading pleasure, a new Kyle update:

By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

As Kyle unfurled his hover-zebra, the remnants of Tabitha’s ring fell to the ground. He had stashed them away during a sentimental moment just prior to hunting down Hydranus, and now, glistening in the setting sunlight, it caught his attention.

“OH YEAH,” he exclaimed. “Didn’t I say I was going to visit the witch doctor, like, 5 pages ago?! Crap!”

Kyle was torn between his destiny on Piñata Isle and the sweet, sweet revenge he was planning to enact upon the witch doctor for his shoddy ring-construction. If he went to Piñata Isle, it was entirely possible that he could learn about Tabitha’s contract and how it linked her resignation from the Sexy Ninja Brigade, the WarLizards’ power over the remaining Sexy Ninja Brigade, King Zombie’s incorporation of the Sexy Ninja Brigade and therefore assumed alliance with the WarLizards, and the greater purpose and plans of King Zombie that somehow benefited the WarLizards, indebted Tabitha, and protected Kyle. All of that information could be clearly and concisely revealed in a very timely fashion if he just confronted Tabitha before she wove a more complicated tapestry by upholding her end of the contract—whatever that was—at Piñata Isle. All of this could be over just as quickly as it began and he could get back to solving the mysterious prophecy of the Elder Breast: “There is another....”

However, he sure loved enacting revenge and neither his better judgment nor his curiosity could cure him of that at this very moment. He unsheathed his iPhone and activated the GPS application.

Due to the vast amounts of “herbal medicine” he partook in while visiting the witch doctor, his memory of the location had become obscured. But he thought that he may be able to determine the witch doctor’s camp by plugging in the addresses of the cave that held the Crystal Skull and the ring-cursing witch, since it logically had to be someplace between the two. But just as his app was about to reveal the last time he activated the GPS in that area, the battery died.

“Fuck,” he stated simply. “And I left the charger at my apartment. My apartment which was being attacked by a giant robot the last time I left it. Well isn’t this great.”

Kyle sighed a sigh powerful enough to launch a fleet of old timey pirate ships. But given there were no old timey pirate ships in the area, it just conveyed his aggravation audibly to a nonexistent audience. The lack of audience and old timey pirate ships made him somehow sadder…. He set a slow and melancholy course for home; back to the giant mech and the Sexy Ninja Brigade, back to Ryan Gosling, and back to his goddamn iPhone charger.

Kyle straddled his hover zebra and took off into the heavens. The night sky was littered with stars, their light gleaming off the fresh tears on Kyle’s face as he thought of Tabitha…and the impending Ryan Gosling. “Curse you, Ryan Gosling,” he thought. He only hoped that his iPhone charger was nowhere near the DVD player or he was screwed. “Why do I always cry when I fly my hover-zebra? Something needs to be done about this.” Kyle was tired of his hover-zebra making him feel inadequate or at least he chalked it up to his hover-zebra. It was time for a change. Luckily, Hovanimals was on his way home.

Kyle whipped and raced through the stratosphere to Hovanimals. The building floated high above the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows inside the fluffiest cloud you’ve ever seen. Kyle took his hover-zebra into the customer service department, where he waited for a good 20 minutes before he made it up to the counter. But once there, he met the most gorgeous sales associate of all time. Kyle composed himself and struck his “hot shit” pose.

“Hey baby! My hover-zebra needs an upgrade. Maybe afterwards you and I can break it in,” Kyle said in the smoothest player voice any woman has ever heard. The sales associated melted and was putty in his hands. Seriously, the girl died and dripped all over the place. ‘Why the hell does everything get taken so literally in this world,’ Kyle thought, but that mystery was for another day. A pimply teenager took the hot sales associates place.

“How can I help you,” he said with the most monotone and unsexy voice anyone has ever heard.

“Uh yeah,” Kyle said as he brushed the hot sales associate off his hands. “I need to upgrade my hover-zebra.”

“Ok. Do you have a package deal in mind?”

“No, not really. All I know is my hover-zebra isn’t as badass as it should be.”

“Well, I would highly recommend the Primal package. It is by far the most badass upgrade a Hovanimal can receive.”

Kyle was intrigued. “What’s the Primal package?” he asked eagerly.

“Well, we infuse your Hovanimal with cheetah blood and paint sweet racing stripes and lightning bolts on the side of it.”

Kyle’s eyes widened. “DO IT!”

It had begun….

In a magnificent montage, Kyle’s hover-zebra was conveyed on belts, modified by advanced machinery, studied by scientists, tested by professionals, and admired by applauding public. Oddly, the montage did not serve its purpose in relating lengthy amounts of time that the processes would need to take place in a much briefer amount of time, but rather took 6-8 hours to complete. Kyle fell asleep in the waiting room.

Awakened by the pimply sales associate’s visage upon its completion, Kyle fell from his perch of 3 waiting room chairs pushed together. “I demand to see a search warrant,” Kyle screamed as he was ripped from his dream-state.

“Your hover-zebra’s done,” the pimply sales associate relayed in his aforementioned monotone.

The sales associate pointed toward where Kyle’s newly decked out hover-zebra stood. It exuded confidence, it emanated prowess, it radiated badassery; Kyle was ready to return to his quest.

The pimply sales associate rang him up at the counter, where Kyle was forced to pay for an exorbitant service fee and unsuccessfully argued not paying the included gratuity charge. His improved mood dampened by his soon to be plummeting credit score, he grumbled as he hopped on his souped up hover-zebra and zoomed away.

Given the increased badassitude of the hover-zebra, Kyle did not feel an impulse to cry. However, his increased speed coupled with his unwise choice to ignore proper eye safety by not donning riding goggles, his eyes watered for reasons of wind resistance. By the time he reached his apartment, it looked as if he had been sobbing for hours and almost began to as the new sight greeted him.

The city surrounding his apartment was in ruins. Smoke curled from destroyed buildings, the populous looted all available merchandise from retailers as they evacuated, and pandemonium reigned the streets. All that was left of the presumed battle were the destroyed remains of the giant mech that were strewn across the cityscape and a giant hole in the side of Kyle’s apartment building. Dreading to find nothing left of his home, Kyle carefully navigated his hover-zebra through the new hole in his apartment wall.

“Latisha,” he called out as he entered. “The unnamed rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade? Are you here?”

Kyle shrieked like a girl as he was tackled to the ground by 15 ninjas.

“It’s okay, it’s just Kyle,” Latisha said as she ordered her fellow ninjas to stand down.

They backed off and made themselves comfortable within his home. Kyle hyperventilated as Latisha helped him to his feet.

“So did you find Tabitha,” she asked.

“Umm…yes. And then I lost her again.”

“What did you do wrong this time?”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Latisha looked unconvinced.

“…Okay, I did something wrong. I proposed to her with a cursed ring.”

Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of an army of Jersey girls.

“Ow! My delicate features!”

“Kyle, you moronic good for nothing—“


Latisha paused mid-wind-up. “…She’s teaming up with the WarLizards?”

“Uh huh,” whimpered Kyle from behind his hands—err, flippers, eyeing the apartment for his iPhone charger so he could blow this popsicle stand before further beatdowns commenced.

“You mean she did this consciously? She wasn’t under their spell?”

“Um…no? Let’s go with no.”

“This is more serious than I thought.”

“I know, right?! This is super serious.” Kyle had spotted the charger on the floor next to his couch and began inching toward it as Latisha digested the gravity of the situation. Reaching out with his foot—webbed foot, that is—he began to slowly draw the charger toward him. He was so close!

Suddenly the apartment shook violently followed by a loud knock at the door. Kyle sighed as his iPhone charger slid away from him. “Damn it!” he said under his breath. Kyle glanced at the door. Latisha and the Sexy Ninja Brigade posted up on either side of the door frame. Latisha gave commands via hand signals and two of the sexy ninjas broke off from the group and dashed out the window. There was another knock at the door, louder than the first. A large shadow passed by the door and Kyle grew tense. Latisha motioned for Kyle to answer the door but Kyle was hesitant.

“Who is it?” called Kyle. The figure on the other side of the door didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle inched towards the door. “Who is it?” he called once more and again, the figure didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle looked at Latisha and she glared at him. Kyle knew it was time to show these sexy ninjas what he was made of. He took a deep breath and put his flipper hand on the door knob. And in a motion that could only be described as god like, he whipped open the door and got into attack position just in time to see the two sexy ninjas sent by Latisha, tackle the figure simultaneously. Kyle put down his fins somewhat disappointed and slightly relieved.

The sexy ninjas dragged the figure into Kyle’s apartment and threw him on the floor. He was shrouded in a tattered hooded cloak. Latisha pulled out her katana and pointed it at the creature’s hooded face. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” she demanded. The creature removed its hood.

“PAULO?!” exclaimed Kyle….

To be continued...!

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