Beatrice; week 14.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 6!)

For your viewing pleasure, a new Kyle poster:


For your reading pleasure, a new Kyle update:

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 6!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

As Kyle unfurled his hover-zebra, the remnants of Tabitha’s ring fell to the ground. He had stashed them away during a sentimental moment just prior to hunting down Hydranus, and now, glistening in the setting sunlight, it caught his attention.

“OH YEAH,” he exclaimed. “Didn’t I say I was going to visit the witch doctor, like, 5 pages ago?! Crap!”

Kyle was torn between his destiny on Piñata Isle and the sweet, sweet revenge he was planning to enact upon the witch doctor for his shoddy ring-construction. If he went to Piñata Isle, it was entirely possible that he could learn about Tabitha’s contract and how it linked her resignation from the Sexy Ninja Brigade, the WarLizards’ power over the remaining Sexy Ninja Brigade, King Zombie’s incorporation of the Sexy Ninja Brigade and therefore assumed alliance with the WarLizards, and the greater purpose and plans of King Zombie that somehow benefited the WarLizards, indebted Tabitha, and protected Kyle. All of that information could be clearly and concisely revealed in a very timely fashion if he just confronted Tabitha before she wove a more complicated tapestry by upholding her end of the contract—whatever that was—at Piñata Isle. All of this could be over just as quickly as it began and he could get back to solving the mysterious prophecy of the Elder Breast: “There is another....”

However, he sure loved enacting revenge and neither his better judgment nor his curiosity could cure him of that at this very moment. He unsheathed his iPhone and activated the GPS application.

Due to the vast amounts of “herbal medicine” he partook in while visiting the witch doctor, his memory of the location had become obscured. But he thought that he may be able to determine the witch doctor’s camp by plugging in the addresses of the cave that held the Crystal Skull and the ring-cursing witch, since it logically had to be someplace between the two. But just as his app was about to reveal the last time he activated the GPS in that area, the battery died.

“Fuck,” he stated simply. “And I left the charger at my apartment. My apartment which was being attacked by a giant robot the last time I left it. Well isn’t this great.”

Kyle sighed a sigh powerful enough to launch a fleet of old timey pirate ships. But given there were no old timey pirate ships in the area, it just conveyed his aggravation audibly to a nonexistent audience. The lack of audience and old timey pirate ships made him somehow sadder…. He set a slow and melancholy course for home; back to the giant mech and the Sexy Ninja Brigade, back to Ryan Gosling, and back to his goddamn iPhone charger.

Kyle straddled his hover zebra and took off into the heavens. The night sky was littered with stars, their light gleaming off the fresh tears on Kyle’s face as he thought of Tabitha…and the impending Ryan Gosling. “Curse you, Ryan Gosling,” he thought. He only hoped that his iPhone charger was nowhere near the DVD player or he was screwed. “Why do I always cry when I fly my hover-zebra? Something needs to be done about this.” Kyle was tired of his hover-zebra making him feel inadequate or at least he chalked it up to his hover-zebra. It was time for a change. Luckily, Hovanimals was on his way home.

Kyle whipped and raced through the stratosphere to Hovanimals. The building floated high above the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows inside the fluffiest cloud you’ve ever seen. Kyle took his hover-zebra into the customer service department, where he waited for a good 20 minutes before he made it up to the counter. But once there, he met the most gorgeous sales associate of all time. Kyle composed himself and struck his “hot shit” pose.

“Hey baby! My hover-zebra needs an upgrade. Maybe afterwards you and I can break it in,” Kyle said in the smoothest player voice any woman has ever heard. The sales associated melted and was putty in his hands. Seriously, the girl died and dripped all over the place. ‘Why the hell does everything get taken so literally in this world,’ Kyle thought, but that mystery was for another day. A pimply teenager took the hot sales associates place.

“How can I help you,” he said with the most monotone and unsexy voice anyone has ever heard.

“Uh yeah,” Kyle said as he brushed the hot sales associate off his hands. “I need to upgrade my hover-zebra.”

“Ok. Do you have a package deal in mind?”

“No, not really. All I know is my hover-zebra isn’t as badass as it should be.”

“Well, I would highly recommend the Primal package. It is by far the most badass upgrade a Hovanimal can receive.”

Kyle was intrigued. “What’s the Primal package?” he asked eagerly.

“Well, we infuse your Hovanimal with cheetah blood and paint sweet racing stripes and lightning bolts on the side of it.”

Kyle’s eyes widened. “DO IT!”

It had begun….

In a magnificent montage, Kyle’s hover-zebra was conveyed on belts, modified by advanced machinery, studied by scientists, tested by professionals, and admired by applauding public. Oddly, the montage did not serve its purpose in relating lengthy amounts of time that the processes would need to take place in a much briefer amount of time, but rather took 6-8 hours to complete. Kyle fell asleep in the waiting room.

Awakened by the pimply sales associate’s visage upon its completion, Kyle fell from his perch of 3 waiting room chairs pushed together. “I demand to see a search warrant,” Kyle screamed as he was ripped from his dream-state.

“Your hover-zebra’s done,” the pimply sales associate relayed in his aforementioned monotone.

The sales associate pointed toward where Kyle’s newly decked out hover-zebra stood. It exuded confidence, it emanated prowess, it radiated badassery; Kyle was ready to return to his quest.

The pimply sales associate rang him up at the counter, where Kyle was forced to pay for an exorbitant service fee and unsuccessfully argued not paying the included gratuity charge. His improved mood dampened by his soon to be plummeting credit score, he grumbled as he hopped on his souped up hover-zebra and zoomed away.

Given the increased badassitude of the hover-zebra, Kyle did not feel an impulse to cry. However, his increased speed coupled with his unwise choice to ignore proper eye safety by not donning riding goggles, his eyes watered for reasons of wind resistance. By the time he reached his apartment, it looked as if he had been sobbing for hours and almost began to as the new sight greeted him.

The city surrounding his apartment was in ruins. Smoke curled from destroyed buildings, the populous looted all available merchandise from retailers as they evacuated, and pandemonium reigned the streets. All that was left of the presumed battle were the destroyed remains of the giant mech that were strewn across the cityscape and a giant hole in the side of Kyle’s apartment building. Dreading to find nothing left of his home, Kyle carefully navigated his hover-zebra through the new hole in his apartment wall.

“Latisha,” he called out as he entered. “The unnamed rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade? Are you here?”

Kyle shrieked like a girl as he was tackled to the ground by 15 ninjas.

“It’s okay, it’s just Kyle,” Latisha said as she ordered her fellow ninjas to stand down.

They backed off and made themselves comfortable within his home. Kyle hyperventilated as Latisha helped him to his feet.

“So did you find Tabitha,” she asked.

“Umm…yes. And then I lost her again.”

“What did you do wrong this time?”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Latisha looked unconvinced.

“…Okay, I did something wrong. I proposed to her with a cursed ring.”

Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of an army of Jersey girls.

“Ow! My delicate features!”

“Kyle, you moronic good for nothing—“

“ButthentheWarLizardsshowedupandsheleftwiththemandwehavetofindherbeforeshebecomesabadguyPLEASESTOPHURTINGME!”

Latisha paused mid-wind-up. “…She’s teaming up with the WarLizards?”

“Uh huh,” whimpered Kyle from behind his hands—err, flippers, eyeing the apartment for his iPhone charger so he could blow this popsicle stand before further beatdowns commenced.

“You mean she did this consciously? She wasn’t under their spell?”

“Um…no? Let’s go with no.”

“This is more serious than I thought.”

“I know, right?! This is super serious.” Kyle had spotted the charger on the floor next to his couch and began inching toward it as Latisha digested the gravity of the situation. Reaching out with his foot—webbed foot, that is—he began to slowly draw the charger toward him. He was so close!

Suddenly the apartment shook violently followed by a loud knock at the door. Kyle sighed as his iPhone charger slid away from him. “Damn it!” he said under his breath. Kyle glanced at the door. Latisha and the Sexy Ninja Brigade posted up on either side of the door frame. Latisha gave commands via hand signals and two of the sexy ninjas broke off from the group and dashed out the window. There was another knock at the door, louder than the first. A large shadow passed by the door and Kyle grew tense. Latisha motioned for Kyle to answer the door but Kyle was hesitant.

“Who is it?” called Kyle. The figure on the other side of the door didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle inched towards the door. “Who is it?” he called once more and again, the figure didn’t respond but knocked again. Kyle looked at Latisha and she glared at him. Kyle knew it was time to show these sexy ninjas what he was made of. He took a deep breath and put his flipper hand on the door knob. And in a motion that could only be described as god like, he whipped open the door and got into attack position just in time to see the two sexy ninjas sent by Latisha, tackle the figure simultaneously. Kyle put down his fins somewhat disappointed and slightly relieved.

The sexy ninjas dragged the figure into Kyle’s apartment and threw him on the floor. He was shrouded in a tattered hooded cloak. Latisha pulled out her katana and pointed it at the creature’s hooded face. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” she demanded. The creature removed its hood.

“PAULO?!” exclaimed Kyle….

To be continued...!

"A Royale with cheese! You know why they call it that?"

"Because of the metric system?"

And next week: more Kyle, Penguin of Destiny! Hooray!

Beatrice; week 13.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: Hello Sailor (Part 2!)

Beatrice; week 12.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 5!)

For your viewing pleasure, a new Kyle poster: For your reading pleasure, a new Kyle update:

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 5!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle, usually reliant on his mighty brawn and unstoppable charisma, was forced to use his brain for once. Often and easily confused by the simplest of tasks, he mustered all of his concentration in the hopes of gaining one, genius idea. Falling deeper and deeper through the Great Red Wood Shark’s esophagus, tumbling further and further toward death by stomach acid, plummeting more and more in a downward fashion…Kyle realized that this thing was huge. He had all the time in the world to come up with a plan.

Kyle seized this opportunity to perform those small tasks he constantly found himself putting off: He balanced his checkbook, he called his mother, and he flossed. His checkbook was precarious until he found 3 receipts accounting for a mysterious debt of a collective $5.50. His mother was concerned that he’d been seemingly overexerting himself since he only has time to call her once every other month, but placated when he promised to follow-through on a more consistent basis. His gums were sore from such infrequent flossing, but he was happy to know that his teeth were now free of plaque. All was right in the world....

Oh, snap! All was NOT right! Kyle was reaching the end of the esophagus and he never came up with that brilliant plan! Oh, cruel fate! Oh, brutal reality! Oh, unforgiving gravity! Kyle knew that his moments were numbered. If only he had concentrated more on the task at hand! If only he had paid better attention in physics class while in high school! If only he had arranged his living will! If only he could somehow fly upward instead of falling downwa—wait a minute.

Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and rode to toward freedom. Bursting from the Great Red Wood Shark’s still-laughing jaws, he rounded on the beast and began his angry tirade:

“Okay, so, it’s physically impossible for me to devour your soul. Firstly, given our differences in size and your recent attempt to devour my physical being, it would be much more likely for you to be successful in devouring mine if 1.) there is such a thing as a soul and 2.) it is somehow attached to our bodies. Secondly, and as I mentioned previously, there has yet to be irrefutable proof that souls physically exist. Most cultures are willing to generally accept that souls are a conceptual rather than physical entity. Unless I can somehow come up with a way to devour a concept—which if I did, I may start with such concepts as love or yoga before moving onto a concept with such moral considerations and ramifications as pertains to a soul—I think I’m at a loss. All this being said,” Kyle said as he struck a match. “I am perfectly comfortable with lighting you on fire, instead.”

He flicked the match at the Great Red Wood Shark and basked in the warmth of the flames as it quickly enveloped its body.

The flames reminded Kyle of how he and Tabitha use to make love by the fireplace after a long night of slaughtering and other ninja-related activities. He began to tear up, and quickly remembered his objective. He must find Tabitha so he can put an end to King Zombie’s tyranny, as well as his heart ache. He continued on his way through Cuddle Swamp, leaving the Great Red Wood Shark to its firey doom.

Kyle marched on for hours…and for hours…”Jesus Christ! How big is this bloody swamp?!” Only then did he realize that he had a hover zebra. “Damn it! Why do I always forget I have this damn thing?” Kyle pulled it out but there was no need for it now. He had reached Lord Hydranus’s lair…and boy; it was the cutest cottage you had ever seen. It had little flamingos and lawn gnomes everywhere…so I guess it was more tacky than cute, but nevertheless, Kyle ventured forward.

He kicked in the door to the cottage, and there, at a little table, was Lord Hydranus who was just sitting down for some tea. “IIIIIIIIIIIII haaaaaaaaave beeeeeeeeeeeen waaaaaaaiting foooooooor yooooooooooooou,” hissed Hydranus.

Hydranus reached toward a shelf and produced a mysterious box. “I hope you like…chamomile!” He opened the box to reveal loose tea leaves.

“Oh, I, uh, well…yeah,” stuttered Kyle. He sat opposite of Hydranus, who was shoveling sugar in two tea cups.

“How wasssssssss your trip,” he asked, now pouring the tea into the fine china.

“Um…eventful. Ran into a pack of wood sharks. They fused together to make a Great Red Wood Shark.”

“Thossssse can be nasssssssty.”

“Yeah, they mauled my platysaurus.”

“That’sss a shame.”

“Yeah....”

“Do you take milk?” Hydranus offered a pitcher decorated in a floral pattern.

“Oh, why, yes. Thank you.”

They sipped their tea in silence for a few moments.

“Sssso, you’re probably here about Tabitha, right?” Hydranus began.

“Yeah. She stepped into a portal with Xonox after I…well….”

“Pissssssed her off?”

“You could say that.”

“I jusssst did.”

“Touche. Anyway, some underling told me that she was probably on her way to see you?”

“Yesss, she did ssssstop by here. We have a binding contract, asssss I’m sure you’re aware. She musssssst follow through on that.”

“Did she say where she was going?”
“Yesss. She issss headed toward Piñata Isle on a reconnaissssssance mission for me. I ssssupposssse you could meet her there.”

“Oh, cool. Thanks. I guess I better get a move on, then.”

“Of coursssssse. But before you go, she asked me to give you THISSSS!” Hydranus leapt from his chair, tipping the table and its contents to the floor. He lunged at Kyle with a dagger gleaming in his hand.

Kyle aptly dodged the attack, but spilled his scathing tea on himself. He stumbled as he recoiled from the burns, falling to the floor. Hydranus stood over him and raised the bedazzled dagger.

“Prepare to get ssssssssssssssstabbed,” hissed Hydranus.

“My, what a lovely dagger! I’ve never seen such a spectacular bedazzling job.”

“Why, thank you,” said Hydranus. He looked at his dagger, glistening in the light of the fireplace and smiled. But then Kyle released a powerful kick to the WarLizard’s bean bag. Hydranus’s dreams and testicles were shattered in one swift attack.

“My tessssssssssssssssticlesss!” he cried as he slumped into a pile of defeat and sorrow. Kyle stood up and retrieved the dagger from the broken WarLizard.

“I was serious about your bedazzle job,” said Kyle as he looked over the dagger.

“I know,” said Hydranus as he closed his eyes for the last time and a single tear ran down his cheek.

Kyle stashed the dagger in his secret compartment, took one last look around, pocketed some of the chamomile tea leaves, and exited the cottage.

“Onward to Piñata Isle….”

Beatrice; week 11.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

Genre Squad: Hello Sailor (Part 1!)

Beatrice; week 10.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!