KYLE: Penguin of Destiny (part 2!)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Genre Squad to bring you Part 2 of your favorite boredom-slaying, laugh-inducing round-robin.... (For Part 1, click on the "KYLE" label at the end of the post!)

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY...PART 2!
By Celeste Green (written in Courier) and Jeffrey Thomas (written in Arial)

Kyle wandered through the dark woods. Any other creature would have been desperately lost...but not Kyle. He's like a God with a built-in GPS. It was almost as if he created the universe or it was created for him. He trudged on through the forest until he reached a babbling brook. I mean seriously, the brook wouldn't shut the hell up. It talked down to Kyle.
"You won't defeat the Zombie King! He's much more powerful than thee! You are weak in comparison," it gurgled.
Kyle smirked at the brook. "I like a challenge," he said. Then Kyle punched the brook with the force of a thousand suns. The brook was hit so hard that it got AIDS! Kyle looked at the brook huddled over in pain, suffering from AIDS, and smiled. Kyle turned, and continued his journey. "King Zombie here I come!" he thought...

He trudged through the Dessert Desert, Insomniac Hollow, and the Fiery Ocean, finally landing him at the edge of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. He paused by the border to contemplate the epic battle he was about to incite. He paused by the border to think of his two hot chicks that he totally could have had but had murdered instead. He paused by the border to think of his long-dead family, victims of the honey-zombies. He paused by the border to take a leak.
Crossing the border, he felt a sudden pressure in his head. "A spell?!" he gasped.
"We know you are here, Kyle. We know where you are," said a voice from all around and within him.
"King Zombie! Get out of my brain!"
"Never. I am always with you Kyle. I live within the memory of your parents. I am part of you."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Kyle thrashed about like a kid with epilepsy watching anime while eating refined sugar. His insides burned and his skin crawled. Finally, after many moments of struggle, Kyle submitted to the darkness and passed out.

Kyle awoke many hours later in the dungeon of King Zombie's honey drenched lair. He has been in some awful dungeons before but this one was of the lowest quality he has ever seen...it had only two flat screens and basic cable. This enraged Kyle to no end. A zombie guard walked by and saw Kyle flipping out like crazy. The guard called for help but it was too late. Kyle took a bite out of the steel bars with his mighty jaws and broke free. The zombie panicked and reached for the nearest weapon but, again, the zombie was too late. Kyle folded him in half like a piece of paper. A horde of zombies rushed down into the dungeons and circled him. Kyle smiled. He will have their blood on his hands...flippers...wings...whatever! The zombies charged...

Kyle did a back-handspring into a back walkover-aerial into a back-layout and stuck landing not unlike an Olympic gymnast. The awed zombies paused in stupor allowing him to do a standing front tuck with his arms out like razors, maiming the two nearest him. They all tried to flee, now that they truly grasped the sheer amount of awesomeness they were facing, but Kyle had them in within his wrathy sights and none would escape alive. Or, undead-alive. You know what I mean.
Kung-fu films have not seen the virtuosity of his attacks. He pummeled in a way that words cannot comprehend, all to the rhythm of his own beating heart. Yes, his heart was the only driving force he could hear now. The heart that had loved his now-dead and -decaying family. The heart that had almost loved the hot chick and alien-hottie before he killed them. The heart that had outlasted so many enemies: unicorns, not-so-hot-aliens, chatty brooks…. So supremely focused, he punched straight through a zombie’s chest and pulled out its heart, cramming it down the dude’s throat and greedily watched it as it bled to death and suffocated at the same time. What a sweet kill.
Surrounded by corpses of corpses, Kyle stormed down the hall making quick work of any that dared to challenge him. Karate chop! Judo kick! Right hook! Roundhouse! Ball shot!
It was not long before the trail of bodies led him to King Zombie's chambers. This was it, Kyle knew. The battle to end the war.

Kyle walked into King Zombie's chambers with more confidence than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme combined. "So you finally arrived!" said King Zombie as he pet his flamingasaurus. "I've been waiting for you."
Kyle looked around the chamber and surveyed the soon-to-be battle zone. "I see you've added a pool table since the last time I kicked your ass," Kyle said as he crossed his flipper fin arms.
"That's not just a pool table...it's the pool table of doom!" yelled King Zombie and as if on cue, the pool table sprung to life and began firing pool balls at Kyle.
But this didn't surprise Kyle in the least. With a single glance, Kyle splintered the pool table into a million pieces. "Is that all you got? I expected more from the ruler of the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows," said Kyle with a smirk.
King Zombie smiled. "The battle hasn't even begun...ATTACK!!!" yelled King Zombie. Suddenly, sexy female ninjas appeared out of a cloud of smoke that smelled like strawberries.
"THE SEXY NINJA BRIGADE?!" cried Kyle.
These were the most beautiful and deadly creatures in the world. The only person that has ever bested Kyle was one of the leaders of the brigade. His true love, his long lost love. He had much respect for the Sexy Ninja Brigade and did not wish to fight them. They closed in around him but Kyle remained still, his head hung in sadness as he remembered the times he spent with his sexy ninja beauty.
"ATTACK!" yelled King Zombie. Kyle was filled with so much unrelenting rage at this point that the windows in King Zombie's chamber melted and shattered at the same time. He glanced up and the Sexy Ninja Brigade froze in terror. Kyle looked right through them to King Zombie. He was his enemy, not these unbelievably sexy ninjas. King Zombie must die...again. Kyle launched himself like a rocket at King Zombie and landed a kick of such power that it turned King Zombie inside out. Candy spilled out of the corpse of King Zombie and landed at Kyle's feet.
"What's this?!" exclaimed Kyle. "A fraud?!" King Zombie pulled the old switcharoo, for this was one of King Zombie's servants from Piñata Isle.
Kyle knew where he must go. He looked back at the Sexy Ninja Brigade with a look of respect and of disappointment that they would accept a contract from the person responsible for the disappearance of his true love. And with that, he leapt out of a window. King Zombie will pay....

Kyle whipped out his hover-zebra and tore across the countryside, letting the cool breeze dry his hot tears. He had not thought of Tabitha, the former leader of the Sexy Ninja Brigade, in a long time and for good reason. He hated to cry; he hated to look like a pansy.
He knew that he had to track down King Zombie and give him the beating of a lifetime, but not before he had regained his cool. He toodled back into town and into the local grocery market, wearing oversized sunglasses to hide his red, bleary eyes. He picked up pre-made cookie dough, a six pack, and a copy of "The Notebook" on Blu-ray, since it was on special at the checkout. Back at his dump of an apartment, he popped in the movie, ate all of the raw cookie dough, and cried into his beer. Oh, "The Notebook". Oh, Ryan Gosling.
Drunk, full, and exhausted, Kyle passed out on his couch.

He dreamed the dreams of a champion, the dreams of a warrior, the dreams of a penguin who lost his one and only love. Tears trickled down his face. "Curse you, Notebook!" he thought. "Curse you..."
Kyle sensed a presence as he lay on his couch. The enticing smell of strawberries wafted into his mighty nostrils. He opened his eyes and assumed an attack position. He was surrounded by the Sexy Ninja Brigade. They all stepped forward and kneeled before him.
"We are sorry," they said in unison.
Latisha, the new leader in Tabitha's stead stepped forward. "We are truly sorry, great one. We were under some kind of spell and were forced to do the bidding of King Zombie," she said with the utmost sincerity. "It seems that King Zombie has enlisted the services of the WarLizard, Hydranus."
WarLizards were a fierce race of warlock lizards who fed on orphans and the sadness of warriors. Kyle was taken aback by this revelation and realized that it was his fault King Zombie has achieved so much power. With the help of the WarLizards fueled by Kyle's sadness and King Zombie's tenacity and spunky attitude, they form a force to be reckoned with. Kyle knew what must be done if he was going to defeat King Zombie. He must find his love, Tabitha to cure his sadness. The Sexy Ninja Brigade offered their assistance. Kyle motioned for the Sexy Ninja Brigade to stand up as he strolled to the door of apartment. "Let's go!" he said.

Just as Kyle, Latisha, and the rest of the Sexy Ninja Brigade were about to exit the apartment, an apartment-shaking boom sounded outside. They went to the window as a second boom echoed and saw a giant mech tromping through the city.
"Bwa ha ha ha! You have led me to you secret hideout, Kyle! Your end is nigh!" said an equally booming voice.
"Say whaaaaaaaaat?!" cried Kyle.
"A tracking device, you moron!" Latisha, with sexy-ninja-like speed turned Kyle upside down and shook him until everything loose fell to the floor. Among the gum wrappers, loose change, and condoms, a small device with a blinking red light was visible among the debris.
"Oh, snap," Kyle admitted in defeat.
"We will assassinate the giant robot. You find Tabitha," Latisha ordered, signaling the Sexy Ninja Brigade to move out. They leapt from the windows, demonstrating superior skill, strength, and sexiness. Superior even to Kyle, Penguin of Destiny.
"But I don't know where she is..." whined Kyle pitifully.
Latisha bitch-slapped him with the force of a dozen pimps and held him by his possibly-nonexistent lapels. "Pull yourself together, you pussy. I'll never know what Tabitha saw in you, but I'll be damned if you go back to her like this."
Kyle attempted to man-up, but images of Tabitha's beautiful face, Ryan Gosling's beautiful face, and his face in a toilet bowl as his hangover began to kick in swam before him.
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"The Plains of Purple Rain. She was wearing a raspberry beret and driving a little red corvette. God, she looked so gorgeous. It could make doves cry...."
Latisha bitch-slapped him again. "Snap out of it! Focus on the matter at hand!"
"Right. Finding Tabitha."
"Right!" She bitch-slapped him a third time.

As she reached back to slap Kyle a fourth time, Kyle vanished like a box of donuts in a police department. Latisha stepped back and smiled. "Good luck."
All Kyle could see was darkness...but then he opened his eyes and the darkness was gone. Kyle was in the middle of the Marshmallow Meadows, the most dangerous of all meadows. He stood up and looked around. Why was he brought here, he thought. Suddenly, the ground began to crack underneath him. Kyle flipped backwards just as the hands of a dreaded werebadger reached out of the cracks to grab his powerful penguin legs. This was the reason Kyle was brought here. Werebadgers were clairvoyants but would only reveal the secrets of the past, present, and future if they are defeated. Kyle smiled. It was clearly on!

(TO BE CONTINUED...!)

"RED" update 2: revenge of the update

Yes, we're rebels and are still ignoring our predetermined updating schedule in the name of pitch-preparation. Here's our tentative cover for issue #1, should the suits like what we have to say:



Let us know what you think! And, as always, for more info on our [working title] "RED", just click the label below!

"RED" update!

Along the same lines as last week, in place of our regularly scheduled Genre Squad, we present another work in progress:

...It'll make more sense once we add the dialogue to the images. Until then, click on the Label link below for more info on "RED" [working title].

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POLL RESULTS!:
Which "Saving Eva" cover concept do you like best?

• Top left. (27%)
• Top right. (43%)
• Bottom left. (13%)
• Bottom right. (17%)
  
  

"Saving Eva" update!

Hello, Dear Readers! Again, we aim to disappoint and cannot follow our predetermined schedule this week due to deadline crunch time. We have some big pitch-meetings planned and are spending our time focusing on materials for that.

But fret not! This week we offer you a peek into our processes. "Saving Eva" needs a new cover concept and here's what Jeff's come up with.

Click on the "Labels" link below to see more on "Saving Eva". Let us know what you think!

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POLL RESULTS!:
Who's your favorite character so far (besides Kyle)?

• Waffle-Fueled Hell Beast. (30%)
• The Elder Breast. (17%)
• Flamingasaurus. (30%)
• Alien Hottie. (23%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
Which "Saving Eva" cover concept do you like best?

KYLE: The Penguin of Destiny

Hey everybody, unfortunately, there won't be a Genre Squad this week. Celeste actually came out to LA to visit for the long Labor Day weekend but because of this we've been spending all of our time catching up. But fear not dear reader, for we have an amazing surprise for you. This week we will be sharing part one of an amazing, epic tale that Celeste and I wrote. Originally, this story was written as a means to cure us of our boredom. We passed it back and forth, adding more and more to it. We never intended on it being anything but due to the reaction of some of our friends, we figured we would share it with the masses. I do find it necessary to warn you that it's slightly more vulgar than our normal posts...but we guarantee that it's hilarious. So prepare yourself for the journey of Kyle, the Penguin of Destiny.

KYLE: THE PENGUIN OF DESTINY

By Celeste Green and Jeffrey Thomas (the parts of the story written by Celeste are in Courier and the parts written by me are in Arial)

Once upon a time, in a land ravaged by darkness and waffled-fueled hell beasts, a lone hero arose. A hero that fought for what was right and was an avid coupon user...

Kyle, Penguin of Destiny, believed in the supreme economy of using coupons and impressed upon his fellow man to follow his example.

"Buy one get one half off!" he exclaimed to the uninterested passers-by. It was a hot summer's day and the sandwich board he was situated in was not easing his discomfort. “Damn that witch for cursing me with this minimum-wage summer job. I should be out patrolling the country-side, clashing with the waffle-fueled hell beasts, and rescuing hot chicks from imminent danger! I can't remember the last time I SAW a hot chick, let alone SAVE one! I mean, DAYUMN!"

And just then, as if the heavens had heard his cry of "I mean, DAYUMN!", the hottest chick in all the land joined the horde of uninterested passers-by.

Her hair was long and short at same time. Her eyes were a penetrating purple and her skin was milky white. But what caught Kyle's attention most about her, was her lack of legs. I mean, she was completely and utterly legless but in their stead was another set of arms, the most beautiful arms Kyle has ever seen. He waddled up to her filled with confidence, but it soon goes away the closer and closer he gets to her. She looked him up and down and then batted her long eyelashes.

"Hi," she said bashfully.

Kyle's confidence was restored. "Hey baby! Nice arms...let's dance!"

He pulled her body close to his and they looked deeply into each other's eyes, but then, a zombie covered in honey runs up to them and explodes. But Kyle has the reaction time of a cheetah with time traveling abilities. He dives out of the way with his new girl in his arms. Honey coated body parts fall around them but they're safe...or at least they were for the time being. For in the distance was an army of honey coated zombies being led by King Zombie who was wearing the royal garb of feathers and flowers riding a flamingasaurus, the most fearsome creature from the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Kyle knew what had to be done...

The waffle-fueled hell-beasts, once his sworn enemies, would now be his greatest ally. The honey-zombies frequently fell prey to their nemeses, the hell-beasts, and Kyle knew that his salvation now lie with them.

Dodging left and right, zigzagging through the sticky, clawing, penguin-hungry zombies, Kyle dragged the hot chick by one of her many hands toward the Breakfast Plains. Arriving at temporary safety he called the call of the hell-beasts: "GOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOOOOORNIIIIIIIIIING!"

At first there was no response and Kyle and the hot chick began to panic as the honey-zombies closed in on them oh...so...slowly. Just as the nearest was about to lunge for the hot chick's succulent bicep, hell-beasts tackled the encroaching zombies and devoured them viciously.

"Yum," they cried in a war chant. "Yum!"

Kyle and the hot chick were safe for the time being, as King Zombie called for his troops to retreat back the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows, but soon realized their immediate danger as only scraps of the honey-zombies were left. The hell-beasts slowly rounded on them.

"...Don't eat us!" said Kyle.

"And why shouldn't we," questioned the largest of the hell-beasts.

"Because...I mean, think about it: Do you really want to?"

The hell-beasts paused and began to hem and haw as they contemplated their reasoning. A diet of waffles and waffles alone had made them incapable of making a decision easily, constantly wavering back and forth on their thoughts.

"Well, they do look good," said one.

"Yes, but do we really need the calories? The honey-zombies are pretty rich," said another.

As the hell-beasts' wills wavered, Kyle and hot chick made a hasty escape.

"The way you run from all danger is totally turning me on," the hot chick said in a sultry voice. She pinched his penguin-tush and giggled.

"My, my, you're all hands, aren't you?" Kyle said coyly, trying his best to raise one eyebrow.

And just as they escaped to an abandoned alley, something totally unexpected and mildly incredible happened...!

...A wall opened up to the land of breasts. Breasts to the left, breasts to the right. "This must be heaven." Kyle thought.

Suddenly, one them began to speak, "Now isn't your time, chosen one. The world still needs you."

Kyle was sad, but the breast was right. The world still needed saving and he was the only penguin that could do it. Kyle turned to leave with his girl in his arms but was confronted by the elder breast. "There is another", it said before this place of happiness and jubblies faded away, leaving Kyle and his girl in the abandoned alley.

"There's another?!" the girl exclaimed. "Another what?!"

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out!" said Kyle. He pulls out his hover zebra that he keeps stashed in his secret compartment. "Let's ride!" He grabbed his girl and blasts off into the stratosphere. Evil shall know defeat; it shall know fear...KYLE IS ON THE CASE...

In the stratosphere, a low-flying alien convertible aircraft zoomed by, leaving Kyle with the image of an alien hottie blowing a kiss at him. "Forget this bitch," he exclaimed, pushing the handsy-hot chick off of his hover-zebra. She screeched as she plummeted to her death, but Kyle cares not: There's an alien hottie to be had! He's so going to get laid tonight!

He followed the convertible's trajectory and can feel sweet, sweet sin within his grasp. "Hey, baby, are you an alien?! 'Cause that ass is out of this world," he yelled ahead of him, praying that the wind will carry his smooth line to her huge ears. It does and she giggled as she looked over her shoulder at him. She winked and sped off around a cloud.

"Oh, it's on!" he rejoiced as he turned on his hover-zebra blinker to follow. Safety first. Even in the most desperate of times--and these were desperate because he hadn't had a good giggity in a long time--safety first.

He reeled around the cloud at top speed and crashed immediately into a net. A trap?! But yes, a trap. The sweet alien-hottie pulled a fast one on him. A ton of smaller, not-so-hot aliens tied him up and carried him across the clouds.

Luckily, Kyle was the most ingenious penguin of all time. While the not-so-hot aliens dragged him across the clouds, Kyle fashioned a knife out of a nearby cumulous nimbus and cut the net. The not-so-hot aliens were flabbergasted at this mighty warrior's resourcefulness. They ran and circled Kyle but they were no match for his mastery of the penguin arts. He thwarted the not-so-hot aliens as if they were a bowl of cereal. The alien-babe-from-beyond-the-stars’ heart melted at the sight of Kyle fighting for his life, fighting for existence, fighting for humanity. After all of the not-so-hot aliens had been disposed of, the alien of hotness from a galaxy far, far away ran up to Kyle, wrapped her arms around Earth's champion, pulling him close to her extraterrestrial bosoms.

"I love you, Kyle! I always have," she said.

Kyle looked deep into her eyes and her into his...and then he snaps her neck. "Sorry babe. My only true love is Earth...and hot babes who don't try and kill me!" he says as her body falls limp.

Kyle bends over and inspects the aliens beautiful body. He weeps a thousand weeps for this hot babe wanted him and him, her. But he did what needed to be done...he takes her wallet and jumps off the cloud and plummets into the atmosphere. The Earth still needed him...

Pulling a parachute from his alternative-plane-pocket, he landed safely on the ground looking all badass and shit. Surveying his surroundings, he saw that he landed on Candy Mountain.

"Fuck," he exclaimed, "motherfucking Candy Mountain?!"

"Charrrr--I mean, Kyyyyyyyyyyyyylllllllle!" cried two hyper unicorns.

"Oh, hell no!" Kyle responded. He leapt at them, snapping a horn off of one and stabbing the other with it. He drank the blood of the fallen unicorn and felt strength bubbling within him. He then killed the horn-less unicorn with a single punch to the chest. Covered in blood and death, he spit on the corpses and began to trudge east, back to the Valley of Hugs and Rainbows. Back to King Zombie. Back to his destiny.

TO BE CONTINUED

"Spreading your wings...?"

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POLL RESULTS!:
Who's your favorite character from G.I. Joe?

• Duke. (6%)
• Snake Eyes. (31%)
• Cobra Commander. (47%)
• Storm Shadow. (16%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
Why did the baby bird call Child Protective Services?

Jeff and Celeste take on "G.I. Joe". And win.

Destro and the Baroness? More like Jeff-stro and the Celeste!


...Admittedly our Cobra names need some work.

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POLL RESULTS!:
Who's your favorite member of the Genre Squad?

• Pirate. (34%)
• Ninja. (26%)
• Robot. (20%)
• Zombie. (20%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
Who's your favorite character from G.I. Joe?

Genre Squad: Booty Call (Part 2!)

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POLL RESULTS!:
What offender should Beatrice target next?

• People who cut in line. (20%)
• People who don't clean up after their dogs. (26%)
• Jaywalkers. (16%)
• Telemarketers. (38%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
Who's your favorite member of the Genre Squad?

Beatrice; week 4.

BOOM! Archived!

If you want to see how it all began, you'll have to order BEATRICE Volume One!

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POLL RESULTS!:
What card game is the Genre Squad playing this week?

• Solitaire. (41%)
• Canasta. (11%)
• Bridge. (27%)
• Pinochle. (19%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
What offense should Beatrice target next?

Genre Squad: Booty Call (Part 1!)

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POLL RESULTS!:
What's your favorite Harry Potter incarnation?

• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (34%)
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (16%)
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (36%)
• Wizard People; Dear Reader (14%)
  
  

Be sure to vote in this week's poll!:
What card game is the Genre Squad playing this week?